If you’re on any form of social media, you know that you can opt in or opt out of getting notifications any time someone “likes,” retweets, pins or comments on your updates or on the status of your friends.
I generally opt out of getting the emails because too many emails make me twitchy and I really don’t need extra noise. When I go to the site, I’ll see it. The end.
But I might change my mind if I was sent more realistic social media notifications—something more than “Anne commented on your status update” or “Bill retweeted one of your tweets.” I have a few suggestions in case anyone wants to contract out my services.
That relative that you were forced to “friend” is replying “LOL” to all your updates from the past month.
Fifteen people posted Someecards or memes expressing their addiction to coffee/wine, their love of Friday/hate of Monday or being a parent.
Your friend Ann changed her profile picture seven times in 10 minutes in an attempt to look sexier.
No one “liked” Anne’s new profile picture after three minutes, so she changed it again.
Your cousin just rolled his eyes at the link to your latest blog post.
A friend just invited you to an event tomorrow night that’s being held on the other side of the country.
“That” couple is having a private conversation through one of their status updates. He loves her. She loves him back. They are “so blessed.”
The “bad boy” from high school just posted a picture of him braiding the hair of his toddler twin girls.
Don’t bother checking your Facebook fan page. Only 3 percent of your fans are seeing your posts.
Gina started a wedding board to send hint after to hint to her boyfriend in a passive aggressive, Pinterest-y way.
Sally shared the same pin of her last blog post to 12 different boards in five minutes.
Beware! Three friends a going through a phase and pinning nothing but inspirational posters.
Someone liked one of 235 recipes you pinned that you’ll probably never make.
Becky created a board of Creative Projects to Make with Cat Hair.
Someone almost retweeted you but instead just added it as a “favorite” because they were ticked they didn’t think of it first.
Lisa says, “GOOD MORNING!!!”
Several people you follow are engaged in a Twitter Party. Avoid until party is done.
Bob is tweeting at famous people in an attempt to get them to follow him.
You are now only 15 people away from 2,000 followers and only three friends away from having three friends.
Someone is retweeting every compliment they’ve ever received. (Suggested action: block or unfollow)
Jenny made toast, took a picture, posted it with a recipe and added multiple hashtags #bread #toaster #lunch #food #eat #noonecaresitstoast
Three people unfollowed you because you didn’t follow them back after they had been following you for five minutes.
Your super funny tweet got no stars.
Justin Beiber tweeted, “I like tacos.” It was retweeted 465,000 times. Maybe you should give up.
Someone you have never worked with just asked you to endorse them for biomedical engineering with a focus on potato blight in Idaho, or something similar you have no knowledge of.
A complete stranger is waiting for your response to an invitation to connect with no customized message attached.
Mary is celebrating a 5-year work anniversary at a job you didn’t even know that she had.
A connection just endorsed you for “grocery shopping” and “snacks.”
Well, yay! Finally an endorsement that makes sense.
Your turn. What notifications would you suggest?
Like the blog? Buy the books and cool things!
P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.
Abby Has Issues 
This is brilliant… It got me thinking…
Your new friend on Twitter has just shared 100 pictures of beautiful landscapes, none of which they took themselves.
That animal activitst friend from primary school that you don’t want to delete because of all the mutual friends that you have has just shared 20 pictures of abused animals that will undoubtedly make you cry.
You could add seasonal things too, such as:
Your friend who has a new baby has dressed her child up as a pumpkin/Christmas tree/Easter chick… She has received 57 comments about how cute this is.
Ditto with cats/dogs…
Your friend has just uploaded a carefully instagrammed picture of a Pumpkin Spiced Latte…
Ohhhhhh hate “that” couple on Facebook! Ugh. We get it. You’re happy you found each other. Go off and be happy together and leave me the hell out of it. Muppets. 😀
Lisa says Good morning! Bahahahahahahaahaha!!!
I like tacos too. That award winning observation is definitely worth the retweet.
I agree about “that couple” on Facebook. But I’m Ok with the couples who argue on Facebook – that can be quite entertaining. Well, at least until they make up.
You hit this bang on. I never figured out this side of social media and the need for people to share their every meal with the world. Good points throughout
Thank you for the morning chuckle! So true!
Joe just got back from an hour-long trip to the gym, 30 minutes of which he spent taking photos of himself in the weight room mirror trying to get the most muscular-looking gym selfie. #getripped #soripped #beastmode #crossfit #sneakers #shorts #legday #armday #headday #wristday #workingout #iworkout #muscles #lookatmeplease #pleasepleaselookatme
Jane just posted her dinner of quinoa, avocado, trendfood trendfood casserole lasagna. #cleaneating #eatrealfood #wholefoods #whatiscleaneating #istheredirtyeating #aretherehalffoods #nodairy #noglutenever #nosugar #idontunderstandthatfruitissugar
Alicia just posted a totally legit link from http://naturalnewsnetallnaturalwholefoodsglutenfreewoowoo.net.com about how everything you eat, listen to, look at and smell is filled with #omgtoxins. #oilpulling #crystalmedicine
15 of your friends just posted about their OMGAMAZING Scentsy/It Works/Wraps products that they totally believe in.
12 of your friends just became BeachBody coaches and will now write long, lilting statuses about how inspirational it is to work out and drink shakes instead of food and somehow make money selling these ideas to their friends.
Thought of a few more:
All of your relatives over the age of 55 are resharing photo recipes on their own Facebook pages.
Your cranky, conservative relative just posted a link from http://www.nobamafactzconservativeteapartygunsgunsgunsrealnews.com.net.org about how Badouche HUSSEIN NObama wants to outlaw guns so he can take all of them and join ISIS with all the other libtardz.
Lisa just posted a link with lots of exclamation points about how onions in your socks cures halitosis. Richard posted a comment with a link to Snopes.
Mary was actually, literally blown away/shocked/blown up by an UpWorthy video.
This post brought me much happiness. Almost as much as unfollowing this woman who fingerwagged everything I posted “…just to play devil’s advocate!” naaah. Go do it on your own wall.
MInd boggling. Some people have waaaaaay too much spare time on their hands
You pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one!
Your friend Jenny takes pictures of everything she eats and it usually is the cheapest take out food imaginable and puts it on twitter, facebook and instagram.
Ugh. I am totally that motivational quotes friend on Pinterest.
This is why I still haven’t joined LinkedIn.
hahahhaha you’re funny.
Oh these are brilliant! I wish social media sites would actually incorporate some of these, especially facebook >.<
A creepy friend of a friend has been going through and “liking” every photo you’ve been tagged in since 2006.
I have that friend. LOL
Total awesomeness. I could definitely use these.
You make me stupidly happy.
“like”
Love these! I hate that “hey world, my boo and I are insanely happy” too! Thanks for the laughs!
Brilliant post! Once again you nailed it!
Loved this post and the comments. All of the reasons listed are exactly why I quit Facebook. The End.
The Lol one got me. Too funny. And the couple that feel they have to affirm their relationship on facebook. Unfortunatly, my dad is both a lol user and loves posting statuses dedicated to his new wife. I’m considering blocking him. Can you block your own dad? Its an ethical conundrum.
The LinkedIn. Too damn true!
Brilliant from start to finish. ‘Nuf said!
And I’m cracking up at these and definitely guilty of at least a solid handful. We should hold a Twitter party on tweeting etiquette. Think of the possibilities. Oh wait, there are none. Oops, disregard.
A high school classmate that you weren’t really friends with vaguebooks about “private” drama that she not-so-secretly wants everyone to know about.
That chick you hated in grad school keeps inviting you to be a health coach client.
Your aunt with no sense of boundaries likes/comments everything that your bf (who she’s never met) posts.
Refinery29 posts the 6th article in 2 minutes about something that you NEEEEED for perfect skin.
My favorite: “You are now only 15 people away from 2,000 followers and only three friends away from having 3 friends.” And the one about giving up after Justin Bieber tweets about tacos. I also liked all the LinkedIn ones. The other day I got an email someone congratulated me on a work anniversary I didn’t even know I had.
Congratulations to you!
Yeah, only I don’t know for what. And, anyway, all my stuff is freelance so it’s not really like a “work” anniversary.
Loved this! Spot on!