As I walk through the automatic door, I will be calm and choose a grocery cart that will sufficiently carry my goods—not the small one that some other people jam to the brim on both levels because choosing a larger cart seemed too cumbersome.
I will gently wipe the handle with the provided disinfecting wipe, place it in the trash can and not on the floor with the others and proceed to the produce section.
Hmm…the wheel is wonky and OH MY GOD I JUST VEERED INTO A DISPLAY OF TRISCUITS AND EVERYONE IS LOOKING!
Deep breath.
Accept that they’re Triscuits and most likely already dry, smashed wheat in the box and remember it could have been worse, like glass jars or pop. I will courageously continue my journey, taking more time to pick out a head of broccoli and asparagus than I took to pick out my shirt, and then proceed to the rest of the store.
Great. This idiot is barreling down the middle of the aisle like a linebacker and refuses to obey the conventional commandments of a civilized grocery society. But some people never learn, and while I’m not above throwing a shoulder or putting my best foot forward to trip him, instead I will move to the side.
Karma doesn’t have an expiration date, my friend.
However, this container of hummus in my cart does and every second that I’m stuck behind this woman examining cans of soup like they’re a treasure map is a second that I’m nearing the date on my hummus. I’ll just swerve around and…of course. The other side is blocked by an employee with a cart full of boxes that he needs to stock.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Everything in good time, and by “everything,” of course I mean hummus.
My cart sufficiently filled with items that I can remember from the list I left at home on the counter-minus the three things they didn’t have in stock even though they’re on sale-I will make my way to one of the two open checkout lanes and hope I can break my streak of picking the one with the latest cashier-in-training.
Look at that! I’m second in line…behind a woman with 42 cans of cat food that need to be individually rung up and a variety of Lean Cuisine meals, all defrosting and blocking the UPC code to be scanned.
That’s okay. No big deal.
I’ll distract myself with the magazines conveniently placed in the lane so I can flip through and not actually buy them. Let’s see: How to lose weight and gain friends, how to make recipes that will help you lose weight and gain friends, what celebrities have lost weight and gained friends. Oh yes, and Reader’s Digest.
Just breathe and don’t allow the incessant beeping of the 42 cans of cat food being scanned sear my brain and instead look to the other side of the lane—batteries, dog treats, lip balm and aspirin.
I think I might need that last one, because seriously? This woman is now debating two expired coupons and I’m about to just give her the 50 cents she would have saved in order to move this along. And is that…a checkbook? Now she’s going to write up a check?
Deep breath.
See? Now your groceries are being rung up and bagged and the light is at the end of the tunnel. Swipe the card, thank the cashier, grab the receipt and all 300 extra pieces of paper that get pumped out of the printer with it and head for the doors. Just steer your cart toward the car and…where the hell did I park?
SERENITY NOW!
Well. at least there’s hummus.
For that, I’ll give an “amen.”
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Abby Has Issues 
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt 😉
Thanks for posting!
You’ve hit on a pet peeve of mine. With 18 cats I buy cat food in large quantities. People! Buy by the case! If there are none available, separate and count them up. Then tell the cashier how many of each flavor. They can hit the ‘multiples’ button! The cashier will love you, the people in line behind you will love you and you will be out of there faster!
Brilliant! I feel like you spy on me when I’m in the grocery store 🙂
You forgot to mention the people behind you who are talking about how slow the check-out is and the ones who buying alcohol and cigarettes but telling their multiple children that they can’t have any candy and using their food stamps for the high priced meats they have purchased.
Just breath in and out into a paper bag, thats if you can find one.
LOL! I hate going to the grocery store when it is crowded! I feel like I am in an obstacle course, because I don’t like to walk down an aisle that has people already in it, especially if they are standing in the spot right where I need to go… so I am always awkwardly turning around and going the other way to try to find the path of least resistance!
I do my grocery shopping (when I can’t pawn it off on the boyfriend) at 10am Monday mornings. The place is empty. The trick is to get out before the van comes with the senior citizens at 10:30. You do NOT want to be there when the seniors start rolling in.
Oh, trust me. I know. I’m there a few times a week and now that I’m not working, I can earlier. But the van…oh, the van.
The van was early one week. It was hell.
This is exactly why I no longer go to the big grocery stores anymore. Plus, there’s always some seemingly gentle old woman who rams me with her cart, I’m sure deliberately too because I’m in her way or something. I always want to say “excuse me works too” and it’s a hell of a lot less aggressive.
I like this!
My [sarcasm]favorite[/sarcasm] part about going to the grocery is, no matter where I stop when I have to check my list (I type it up on my phone), it’s always in the exact spot other shopper has to congregate at the exact same time.
^*every* other shopper^
This is me every time I go to the store.
Amen.
That was hilarious! haha! Loved it so much! I hate getting behind the cat lady. I did not say I hate the cat lady, just behind in the store line! haha!
This was absolutely hilarious! Sometimes, I am that crazy cat lady with 300 can of cat food. As a cat foster, it’s a must! But I do separate and tell the cashier how many…Unless the person is extremely rude.. I had this crazy woman behind me once that totally needed a lesson in patience. She was complaining about someone having two more items than the speedy check out allowed for. Really? 22 items is too many during a Christmas rush where everyone is piled in the lanes and their carts are brimming with gifts for their loved ones while waiting 15 deep because we all know Walmart is amazing at only opening 5 of their 20 lanes at any time. She practically jumped over my head to point out to the cashier that she had two too many items..I, as well, had too many items, so I decided to spare her the impending heart attack that was inevitable and just check out twice, extremely slowly with, yes, cans of cat food.
Every time. Every time it’s the person with the 200 cans of cat food and the coupons. You nailed it. This was therapeutic, for I am not alone in my grocery store hell.
lolololol. So clever, true, relatable–thanks for a great post!
Every time I grocery shop(which is every bloody day because I shop for a senior as well as myself) I always get the cart with the front wheel that acts as though there’s a hurricane going on 8 inches above the floor. WHY?!