Valentines I’ll Never Send

To the cliché box of assorted chocolates:

I’m have mixed feelings about you, to be honest. I’m not big on sweets to begin with, and unless there’s a map of your assortment on the lid, it’s always a gamble with you. There are really only three or four really good flavors which means that my anticipation of biting into a caramel or a chocolate cream could be met with the disappointment of sinking my teeth into the one filled with what I assume is neon pink Play-Doh.

If you so choose to continue to hide your best work, I will so choose to continue sticking a toothpick in the bottom of each piece to try and determine the flavor. All’s fair in love and chocolate.

To people who don’t say thank you when I hold the door open for them:

I will yell “You’re welcome!” as loud as I can because it’s important to lead by example. At least give a courtesy head nod. It’s really not that hard. I only bring this up because it could be an indication or a repeated behavior—not thanking people for letting you merge, walking by when people bless you after you sneeze, or as we’re talking about today, relationships.


In other words, I’m a helper. YOU’RE WELCOME.

To the person who invented lasagna, pizza and basically any Italian food:

I hope at some point a very important person sat you down and told you, “You are a great human being.” True, I’ve been scorned by a lover a time or two by eating it too soon and burning the roof of my mouth, but love hurts. However, I can’t hold both a grudge and my fork, so today–I salute you.

To employment:

Okay. I know we’ve been taking a break, but I’m totally ready to hook back up again. I don’t want it to be boring, unhealthy and mundane like it was before, but I also don’t need fireworks every night. Something steady, something dependable, something that challenges me and uses my skills in a creative and constructive way. You have my number, so please, feel free to use it.

To the guy at the Dollar Store buying a felt rose, condoms and potted meat:

I’m not sure if I should be disgusted at this unique combination of purchases or admire you for your effort and optimism. The fake rose is admirable, but if you are in fact planning for a romantic evening with someone other than yourself—as your purchase of condoms instead of lotion and Kleenex would suggest—the addition of potted meat is quite troubling.

Putting aside the fact I only eat plants and would rather eat the metal pot than the “meat” your potted meat contains, the Dollar Store does offer a variety of other edible creations that might help to set a more “romantic” mood—canned oysters (aphrodisiac!) crackers or even a cupcake mix (chocolate!) might be a better solution.

And condoms from the Dollar Store? Remember that you get what you pay for, and take note of the woman behind me the other day who filled her cart with at-home pregnancy tests, ovulation kits and Cheetos. Sometimes you should spring for the upgraded model, my friend.

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25 responses to “Valentines I’ll Never Send

  1. The chocolates kill me. Nothing worse than biting into the coffee one when you don’t see it coming.

  2. Hahah…this is awesome…good luck with the job!

  3. You know I always love your observations because they could often be mine. I loved your chat with the Box of chocolates. Mouthful after mouthful of disappointment seeking for that one fulfilling moment. Ah life, why is it so difficult ? 🙂

  4. I like the poor guy at the Dollar store. The true optimist. 🙂

  5. Hey, you saw me at the dollar store? Small world.

  6. Couldn’t agree more with the chocolate box. It’s just something you can’t take back.

  7. I love analyzing people’s Dollar Store purchases! Some of the same thoughts run through my mind as well…

  8. I would employ you any minute Abby, but would you be willing to be paid in Swiss chocolate? Greetings from Zurich.

  9. I guess I need to visit the Dollar Store to see what is hot and what is not! LOL

  10. Your feelings for lasagna are equal to my feelings for corn dogs. Mmmmm…corn dogs.

  11. Condoms at the Dollar Store is a risky bargain to be sure.

    I’d like to sit down with the creator of Italian food and thank them as well. They’re my hero.

    To the plowman who dumped two feet of snow at the foot of my driveway: I give you the one finger salute. Take that!!

  12. Recurrentlyhopeful

    Neon pink play-dough chocolates are actually my fav…not sure what this says about me. I also like the bright orange ones….should I stop now before this comment becomes alienating…?

  13. My wife went through the “I love you more” phase a few years back… which was soon ended by my refusing to play by the rules. Instead, I used my own responses like, “Of course you do. I’m awesome!” or “When did it become a competition?”

    The fact that she stuck around is probably a good indication that she does, in fact, love me more.

  14. I don’t know, I might send a few of these Valentines out this year….

  15. Great observations as always, Abby! Do what makes you happy this Valentine’s day. Which sounds like you won’t be partaking in boxed mystery chocolates or dollar store condoms.

  16. I love to laugh out loud and your posts never let me down! We definitely share the same humor! Great post!

  17. Whitman chocolates have always been a favorite for me because they get rid of the guesswork–what’s in each chocolate.. if you read the lid carefully, you’ll know the one on the top left corner is the dreaded vanilla creme(I hate all creams), and you can eat all the ones with nuts….

  18. I like your observations. I hate that kind of chocolates that you don’t know what’s inside, i’m so picky with food that I prefer to avoid those chocolates. Also, I hate when people don’t say thank you, they need to learn how to be polite. Finally, the guy at the dollar store at least tried to be “romantic” lol.

  19. I don’t even know what potted meat is, but I don’t want to. lol But yeah, like you said, apparently he won’t be slappin’ his own. You make me howl every time, Abby. Happy Valentine’s Day, lady!

  20. I like the chocolates with the little chart inside the lid. This way I can avoid the terrible choices. Unless someone sneaky rearranges all the chocolates. That would suck. Also, they sell paternity tests at the Dollar Tree, which could, at some point, come in useful for the dude with the Dollar Tree condoms!

  21. I do that to when holding the door open for someone. haha All I want is a smile for pete’s sake.

  22. haha great blog… I will be trawling through the many posts later 🙂

    i love that tooth fairy note. Kerching. hope you got to keep the teeth

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