A Letter to My New Vacuum

Hey there, bagless buddy!

Welcome to the family! Before you get too comfortable in the front hallway closet, I think I should let you know what you’re getting into and just who you’re dealing with here so we start out on the same page.

For a little background, I should let you know that I’m actually pretty excited about having you here. I’m a little OCD and I have to admit that there’s an odd, slightly-sick sense of satisfaction when you’re running the vacuum and hear it actually sucking up crap from the floor.While this means there was crap on the floor, this also means that the vacuum is doing its job and the floor will be clean again.


 (You know this, as you are a vacuum yourself and familiar with job satisfaction.)

Anyway, then there comes a day when you’re going about vacuuming and note that there is no sound of things being sucked up—presumably because you live in an immaculate abode and never accidentally knock a measuring cup of uncooked rice on the floor, hypothetically speaking—and blissfully continue on your cleaning journey.

But then you remember that you’re me, and that last night you knocked a measuring cup of uncooked rice on the floor. And despite your best efforts with the dustbuster, you know you were bound to miss a few grains of spilled rice because there were about a million grains of spilled rice and your rage was slightly blinding.

So you snap out of your delusional state of flawless floors and start to pay a bit of attention.

One pass over the couple stray grains and no satisfying sounds…hmmm. Maybe it’s because they’re so tiny. After the second pass without any sounds, you realize that this vacuum sucks—and not in the way it’s supposed to—and that it’s starting to smell like burned rubber.

In the blink of an eye, it’s like the vacuum is suddenly offended that you asked it to do what it was bought to do and starts sending off odorous smoke signals that roughly translate to, “Oh, you wanted ME to pick that up? Well, I never….”

If you’re me, you’ll keep trying for a couple more minutes, yelling instructions and possibly profanity at the vacuum as it passive-aggressively pushes the rice over the floor before realizing you are now the proud owner of a large noisy thing with a light on the front that in its own special way, has requested an early retirement.

That brings us back to today.

When I sufficiently recovered from the vacuum betrayal above, I set out on a mission to fill that hole in my appliance arsenal, headed to Target and returned home with you—as you know—and half a dozen other things I more than likely didn’t need.

After a quick assembly and a trial run, I’m happy to report that so far, so good. You seem more than up to the task, and I have no doubt that together we can embark on a mutually beneficial relationship of sucking crap off of the floor, from in between the couch cushions and possibly the front of my shirt.

 Don’t judge. You don’t know my life.

And while I’m happy to have you aboard, I would also like to remind you that if at any time you decide to get a bit lazy yourself, I always keep the receipt.


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30 responses to “A Letter to My New Vacuum

  1. The best use of vacuum cleaners is as a spider-sucker-upper. I’m pretty indifferent to cleaning in general, but as my only defence against the octo-leggy beasts, I salute you, Mr Vacuum.

  2. Very enjoyable post-though sometimes it only needs a new belt to start sucking up things again…

  3. I LOVE to vacuum. Always have. I must be crazy.

  4. One of the most satisfying purchases I’ve ever made was my Dyson. That sounds like a double entendre , but really it’s just good, wholesome joy from high-powered suction.

  5. bahahah that was awesome

  6. It’s crazy how much difference a good vacuum cleaner can make. I wish you best of luck with your new cleaning partner!

  7. Smart to get a vacuum at Target. My last vacuum purchase was at the specific brand’s store with a salesperson. I’m still quite embarrassed about how much I ended up spending. I’m such a sucker.

  8. Tell that new vacuum who’s boss. By the way, what model did you go with. A previous job of mine (no lie) was reviewing vacuums for this guy from Slovenia.

  9. I bought one of those steam cleaner mop-things with the same enthusiasm. But alas, it let me down. It does it’s job, I suppose, though not without some added effort by me – a characteristic that I find offensive in an electric appliance.

  10. I hate when the vacuum SOUNDS like it is sucking up those grain of rice, but they are only rattling around making a bunch of noise before falling back onto the floor.

  11. I can’t deal with hoovering normally, but I bought a stupidly expensive hoover (heavily discounted, obviously) recently and it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done! I love having a decent hoover – it makes everything clean even with my husband’s propensity to moult everywhere!

  12. So glad I’m not the only one who appreciates the crackle of stuff getting sucked up in the sweeper! I almost turned cartwheels when I got my Shark last year! Congrats on the new family member!

  13. I live in an apartment with what I’m pretty sure is the cheapest carpet ever made. I literally vacuum up my carpet every time I’m cleaning. I’d be scared to get a better vacuum, although -lightbulb!- I bet I could make a killing if I suddenly went into the making rug business…

  14. I go through vacuums like Liz Taylor went through husbands. And yes, sometimes I’ll try one a second time just to make sure. I need another one currently because my Dirt Devil isn’t Devilish at all, but totally lacking in demonic awesomeness. In short, my vacuum cleaner sucks because it doesn’t suck. And YES! I do know that wonderful sense of satisfaction that comes from the sound of crud being sucked up. The other day it was cat litter. Euphoria!

  15. now that’s hilarious yet so so true

  16. This makes me want to go into immaculate houses and start knocking over bags of rice.

  17. This is the very first post I read on WordPress and it made me giggle a lot:) Thank you for it. Oh, and that satisfying sound of things being sucked up… mmm. Feel like throwing some rice on the floor now and vacuuming it just for the fun of it.

  18. Rest in peace, dear mechanical sucking gizmo

  19. I have a pygmy hedgehog as a pet so tend not to use the vacuum very much as she just eats all the crap off the floor. It saves electricity and she gets a meal – win win!

  20. Hubby knocked over a brass planter of rice all over the carpet. The rice was filler to hold the artificial plant in place. We used the Shark Navigator and it was heaven hearing all those little grains of rice getting sucked up, UNTIL….We realized the rice was getting broken up and spit back onto the carpet. The sound was fraudulent ! It sucked it up and then let it fall back down and out. Now we have more rice on the floor.BooHoo !

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