What Confucius Would Say Today

If pressed to give an answer, I would have to say that Confucius is my favorite Chinese philosopher whose name sounds like my constant mental state and who also has a bunch of funny parody quotes attributed to his name.

For example, “Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels” or “Man who stands on toilet high on pot.”

Anyway, I sure he would be thrilled to be a thread on Reddit or a meme sensation right alongside Grumpy Cat and “Keep Calm and Confucius On” if he was alive today.

But I have to think that if he was around today, there might be a little bit different meaning and motivation behind the quotes he did actually write. So the editor in me took the liberty to “modernize” them as if he was writing them today.

Plus, who knows? Maybe he was initially misquoted. I think that happens on the Internet once in awhile.

Then: “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” 
Now: I changed my mind. The exception to this rule is clearly illustrated below.

Then: “Mens’ natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.” 
Now: For example, you can tell just by talking to some people that they lift up the car door handle every time that you go to unlock it.

Then: “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” 
Now: Spoiler alert! Apparently you can’t just go and pull up to a drive-thru pharmacy and order what you want, so that’s a bit disappointing.

Then: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” 
Now: And if that fall happens to be off the treadmill in front of a crowd, simply start kickboxing like a manic Jackie Chan as if it’s part of your fitness routine. No one will mess with that crazy.

Then: “If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake.” 
Now: Actually, don’t bother because people on the Internet will let you know your mistakes in .02 seconds.

Then: “The cautious seldom err.”
Now: Which is why I dive behind my couch when someone pulls into my driveway like I’m hiding out from the mob or entered in the Witness Protection Program.

Then: “He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions.” 
Now: Such as, “Why is the meaning of life” “Why are we here on this planet?” “What is a Nicki Minaj and is it contagious?”

Then: “Silence is a true friend who never betrays.” 
Now: By “silence,” I now mean “pizza.” Pizza is a true friend who never betrays, except when the directions instruct you to place the pizza directly on the oven rack. That means you cook for 13 minutes, and spend a week cleaning the crap off of the oven.

Then : “You cannot open a book without learning something.” 
Now: Let’s be clear about the word “book.” Some people need to pick up a real dictionary, not Urban Dictionary.

Then: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” 
Now: I should add that now, “I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can only use when I write, simply because I don’t know how to pronounce them.”

Then: “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.”
Now: I actually never finished this one. It should have said, “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change their shirt if they’re fairly certain no one saw them wearing it the day before.”

Then: “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” 
Now: I would like to redact this one completely, as I’ve just returned from Walmart on a Saturday and now I stand corrected.

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