Home Depot: You Can Do It. He Can Help.

Hi! I’m Jake—not from State Farm, ha ha—and would like to welcome you to Home Depot. I couldn’t help but notice you looked a little bit lost, so please allow me to show you around!


First, I commend you for taking on this mission on a Saturday afternoon. That takes great courage in my book, as weekends can make for a rough climate around these here parts when all the home project “entre-manures” come out.

But remember, the “D” in “DIY” doesn’t have to stand for “Destruction!”

Just stick with me, kiddo. I’m trained and know the path that runs along the electrical aisles and merges into the lumber supplies. We can flow freely through baths and faucets and I can help with any of your organizational needs. The windows and doors? Merely entryways into the land of purchasing power and ease.

Heck, are you single and ready to shingle? I can be your personal stud finder—ha!

Anyway, I know the merits of preparation, so let’s grab a cart, devise a plan and get started. We’ll move swiftly, like a Swiffer on a linoleum floor—Aisle 5!—and we won’t wander off the path to sniff the Glade scented votives—Aisle 12!—or check out the area rugs—endcap on Aisle 7!—unless those are things on your list.

By the way, what is the first item there on your list? Weather stripping? If only that was as sexy as it sounds, am I right? Sorry. I’m very lonely. Let’s move on.


Though our impulse may say otherwise, we will not look directly at the 1,353 different paint sample cards or stop to ponder why there are also candy and beauty supplies mixed in with the screws and power tools. We will simply accept that this establishment is basically stocked with enough supplies to survive the zombie apocalypse.

You would never have to leave!

Now I realize this can be overwhelming and that the smell of lumber can be intoxicating, so it’s normal to panic at times. But instead of cowering down in the pre-assembled clubhouses or getting tangled in the hammocks on display in the outdoor furniture area, I suggest you accept failure to remember everything you need.

Don’t think of this as your only trip to the store. No, think of this as the first of many on a journey to not just home improvement, but PERSONAL improvement. We learn from our mistakes, and buying the wrong size furnace filter doesn’t just build up your bill—it builds knowledge and builds character.

And don’t forget that no matter what happens: You can do it. I can help.

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8 responses to “Home Depot: You Can Do It. He Can Help.

  1. As someone who’s going to be spending a lot of time at Home Depot over the next few months, I can especially appreciate this post. Thank heavens for homeowner’s insurance. http://cordeliasmomstill.com/2015/04/07/house-under-water/

  2. Yup, it never fails, no matter how great my list is going into the store, I always find myself coming back for something else I needed. Or… do I subconsciously omit an item from my list to necessitate a return trip to smell the Glade? Hmm…

  3. Hmm sounds like me going into HD. Have one thing in mind and leave with 10 things

  4. “PERSONAL improvement” You hit the nail on the head.
    Hilarious post.

  5. The husband was working on some DIY project one weekend and our credit card company called to make sure it was really us making multiple home depot purchases in one day. Umm.. yes, I believe that is more the rule than the exception. You would think the credit card company would know this. Duh.

  6. I agree, Home Depot is a big old time pit. I don’t know about you, but I can never get someone to help me unless I’m with my husband.

  7. Just reading this brought out the fear in me of going shopping for DIY supplies.

  8. I wish Jake worked at my Home Depot. I might go back just to follow him around and hear him talk about weather stripping. Maybe I could ask him to help me load my car.

    Also, why do they put the candy with the screws? Is it a modern day assessment of our current food climate? Eat this and you’re screwed. You might be onto something there.

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