My Twitter Account Reads Like a Dysfunctional Food Network Show

They say you should write what you know, which is why I never write about math, sex, or spelling “camouflage” right on the first try. 

And even though my Food Network show would just be me sitting on the couch watching Food Network, it’s been brought to my attention from myself that I tweet a lot about food — eating it, pretty much daily trips to go buy it, and wearing it more than I care to admit. 

So I decided to share a few of the highlights from the past couple of months, you know, in case Food Network is reading or something…

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 18, 2016

1. Read directions on box.
2. Throw box away.
3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later.
4. Repeat.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 25, 2015

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 1, 2015

I ate roughly two pieces of lasagna. The third piece I ate rather gently.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 10, 2017

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 20, 2015

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You're old. And you want lasagna.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 27, 2018

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 15, 2016

I wish being fed up was as delicious as it sounds.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 14, 2016

Any food can be finger food if you’re too lazy to go get a fork.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 29, 2018

Directions: Allow food to sit for one minute before consuming.

Me: No.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 20, 2018

I think I'm common law married to this box of baking soda in my fridge now, so it's a pretty big day over here today.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 27, 2016

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 30, 2016

When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 22, 2015

She died doing what she loved: passive-aggressively sighing when the cashier bags her groceries out of the order that she put them on the belt.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 22, 2018

I don't require much to be happy. Four meals a day. Some snacks. Nine hours of sleep. Complete solitude and no social obligations whatsoever.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 6, 2018

Serving size suggestion: 1/2 cup

Me: No.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 24, 2018

A majority of my decisions are made based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 16, 2016

"Yeah, I don't know. Maybe try eating more carbs." – Me, as a therapist.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 2, 2016

For someone who hates math, I sure do spend a lot of time calculating how long until I'm going to eat again.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 13, 2016

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to give me back the change from my groceries with all the bills facing the same way.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 14, 2016

https://twitter.com/AbbyHasIssues/status/719519823823310848

I don’t need to run a marathon to cry, load up on carbs, and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 16, 2018

If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I would choose someone who is dead so I didn’t have to listen to them chew.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 17, 2016

I think the best part of being a superhero would be that you could turn your cape around and use it as a bib.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 7, 2016

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 28, 2014

I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 14, 2016

https://twitter.com/AbbyHasIssues/status/904126116239159300

https://twitter.com/AbbyHasIssues/status/703988897638957056

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 24, 2016

I just got home from the store so I should probably start making a list of things I need from the store.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 21, 2016

Of course I cut carbs. How else am I supposed to butter the inside of my bagel?

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 10, 2016

Yes, this pasta sauce is homemade if you live in Aisle 8 of the store.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 9, 2016

TV Guy: "Here our subject is in her natural environment, foraging for food."

*Camera cuts to me on the couch, finding an almond in my bra*

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 3, 2016

I don’t need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 29, 2016

I grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try and I've never felt more drunk with power

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 25, 2016

If you can't find the barcode on a product, maybe the self-checkout isn't for you. Don't be a hero.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 23, 2016

If you ask me, food for thought sounds like a pretty good trade.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 3, 2016

What can I say? Bon appétit!

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