I’m Pretty Much a Motivational Speaker

There’s no shortage of inspirational accounts on the Internet, and unless you’re new here, I am not one of those accounts.

OK. Maybe I’m being a little hard on myself. I decided to take a look at some of my tweets and updates and see if maybe I’m mistaken, if maybe I am actually some sort of motivational speaker and I don’t even realize it!

After two minutes of careful evaluation, it turns out I can be inspirational in several different aspects of life. Sure, it’s not “conventional,” but one can not be picky when one spends more time picking out a head of broccoli at the store than she does picking out her clothes in the morning. 

First of all, there is my prowess in the kitchen and around food:


The only time I’ve ever cut carbs is when I was slicing a bagel.

7:30: Eats breakfast. 7:35: Checks clock and mentally calculates how long until I can eat lunch.

I successfully opened a plastic produce bag at the store in under 2 minutes and the manager gave me my own reserved parking spot in the lot.

I react to the smell of fresh bread the way a cat reacts to the sound of a can opener.

The most unrealistic thing about commercials is when it shows people actually sharing a frozen pizza.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of a jar of cashew butter, but the important thing is that I tried.

And my extraordinary social skills: 


On second thought, maybe faking my death was a slight overreaction to being stuck in a group text.

The woman who cut in front of me at the store had a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart. I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.

Home is where the people aren’t.

My friend just got her Ph. D, and I’m just over here wondering why they don’t make the macaroni out of cheese in the first place.

Them: Good morning!
Me: This feels like a personal attack.

Saw a guy throw a fit and then walk into an automatic door, so it’s been a pretty solid day over here.

I can be socially awkward, but not “Interview portion of Jeopardy” socially awkward.

Not to mention my domestic disability dominance: 


“My lavish lifestyle affords me certain luxuries,” – I say as I place a new Kleenex box that perfectly matches my bathroom on the toilet.

Welcome home, new body wash. Meet your family: a half-full bottle of conditioner and 983 almost empty bottles of shampoo turned upside down.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Nothing travels faster than a roll of toilet paper you drop while sitting on the toilet.

The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

Unfortunately, “weather stripping” isn’t what I thought it was, and the employees at Home Depot didn’t care for my little dance.

I establish my dominance as the alpha neighbor by putting my trash out on the curb before everyone else.

Not to mention just living my life to the fullest: 


Monday through Friday: Hits the snooze three times in the morning.
Saturday: Wakes up before the alarm would go off during the week and can’t get back to sleep.

My personality is 30 percent genetic, 10 percent environmental, and 60 percent whether or not I’m hungry and slightly inconvenienced.

I tripped but then I found an almond on the floor, so it’s true what they say about one door closing and another one opening.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Lump it all together with the big and medium things so you can have a major breakdown instead.

I just stapled the hem of my workout pants like some kind of white trash fashion MacGyver.

It took me five minutes to realize why the unplugged toaster wasn’t working, so I just went ahead and used my college degree as a napkin.

I just used a real trash bag in my bathroom instead of a plastic grocery bag like I’m some kind of Rockefeller or something.

So, as you can see, I basically have inspiration coming out of my pores. No, wait, that’s garlic. Oh well. At least  I tried. 

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25 responses to “I’m Pretty Much a Motivational Speaker


  2. I laughed out loud several times , but sitting at home with my feet up

  3. Absolutely LOVED the one-liners

  4. Your Twitter and Facebook posts always put me in a better mood!

  5. i love your writing it is faultless🦄🐼🐵🙈👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

  6. I laughed out loud until the snot hit the screen so I’ll add that to items I will clean with my sleeve.

  7. Absolutely LOVED the one-liners

  8. I think this is your best piece ever. Bravo. Thanks fo all the inspiration. I feel motivated to search for my own little goodies hidden in old files stuffed with years of my writings. Yep you are a motivational speaker.

  9. I am duly motivated. Well done.

  10. You must be following me around. I could relate to so many of your little glimpses into life.

  11. Ditto everyone’s comments. This is a fabulously hilarious and inspirational post!

  12. So Funny! and SO true to my life!!

  13. You totally inspired me! Next time I am in the produce aisle trying to open a plastic bag, I am for sure gonna go through the whole role before I give up and just toss the produce directly in my cart.

  14. Ha! Agree. Especially with group texts – SO UNNECESSARY.

  15. So funny! Thanks for the excellent read.

  16. Nap all day, sleep all night, party never is my motivational motto

  17. Best post ever!!

  18. HAHHAHA…this is awesome. Holy shit.

  19. First comment on the first post I have read of yours. Loved your sense of humor and look forward to reading more! 🙂

  20. Good lord, you crack me up. Those fools at Home Depot should have tossed you a dollar as opposed to out of the story.

    Home is where the people aren’t might be my favorite though… or wait, was that a personal attack. 🙂

  21. You are brilliant! So refreshing. And issues..it’s seems the faster the synapses of wit and intelligence the heavier the

  22. Hilarious – loved the white trash hemming of pants!

  23. I have needed a reason to smile, apparently humor might possibly discourage cancer cells from replicating, so I came back to reread this article and add it to my favorites for another tough day. I hope you are doing ok and enjoyed Black Friday from your couch 🙂 . I wanted you to know that what you write, humorous and serious, makes a difference.

    • Holy crap. Really? You have no idea how much this comment means to me, and I hope you’re on the path to health and healing. Today your comment made a difference, so thank you so much for that.

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