My Twitter Account Reads Like a Dysfunctional Food Network Show

They say you should write what you know, which is why I never write about math, sex, or spelling “camouflage” right on the first try. 

And even though my Food Network show would just be me sitting on the couch watching Food Network, it’s been brought to my attention from myself that I tweet a lot about food — eating it, pretty much daily trips to go buy it, and wearing it more than I care to admit. 


So I decided to share a few of the highlights from the past couple of months, you know, in case Food Network is reading or something…

What can I say? Bon appétit!

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80 responses to “My Twitter Account Reads Like a Dysfunctional Food Network Show

  1. These are all great, but I agree that i can’t stand watching people not eat food on television! Especially cake. WHY ARE YOU NOT EATING ALL THE CAKE, TV PEOPLE!??!

  2. Reblogged this on kimboxin and commented:
    Too effin’ funny to not share! I think we can all relate…

  3. Oh I am still laughing about cutting carbs to butter your bagel! Too funny!

  4. ha ha ha ha ha ha ~ pissing myself laughing.

  5. I too, get slightly annoyed when I see actors in movies order food and then not eat it. Especially in Gilmore Girls when they are “constantly eating” but Rory is always getting up and leaving after taking only one bite.

  6. damn girl, you crack me up.

  7. Hilarious as always. I really enjoyed these.

  8. Lord almighty, you are FUNNNY. I’ve missed your posts and clearly need to hang out on Twitter more…or not, because Twitter sucks. You on the other hand do not. Hysterical. Thanks for the laughs.

  9. You’re hilarious!! Love the girl standing in front of the self checkout screaming and throwing away box, getting out of garbage!! Great stuff!!!!

  10. I think Twitter sucks too, which is why I avoid it. If I knew there was such funny tweets on Twitter I might give it a shot again.

  11. Love this!! So funny 😂

  12. Yeah someone who loves food as much as I do!! This was so much fun to read!

  13. This post is great. I too am a person who will throw the directions away and then fish them out of the garbage only to throw them away again. Thanks so much for putting a smile on my face.

  14. I almost lost it completely over the almond in the bra! I can totally relate!

  15. “Of course I cut carbs. How else would I be able to butter my bagle” still got me laughing

  16. Wonderful reading! Thank you so much for cheering up my snack!

  17. All of your tweets are legitimately my life. I love it!!

  18. Haha this is jokes, relatable though since I tweet a lot about food too😂

  19. theurbanblender

    I visited America this year and headed to Walmart as it is the brunt of so many jokes and had to experience one for myself. It was everything I had hoped for. They have checkout chicks that would be ideal for zombie movies. Does anyone retire in the USA?

  20. Hope you continue to post your tweets here. Blogosphere > Twitterverse.

  21. This was fun… Just came across your blog and loved it

  22. LOL Just went on a retweeting spree

  23. This is great stuff, we all do these things and look around to see how many people are giving us that “Oh Look, that girl is crazy” look. LOL

  24. I laughed so much at this. I relate deeply to most of them, especially the servings size one. A jar of peanuy butter is 17 servings? Um no, it’s 1. Why else would it be in 1 jar? Must be a typo.

  25. Before I head to the fridge I posted the link to this hilarious blogpost on Twitter. Anybody who eats or laughs should read this.

  26. I love that this is totally relatable

  27. I enjoyed reading this! Laughed out loud!

  28. womaniya returns

    After watching eat pray and love, my entire focus was on eating and eating only. And sweety you did hit the nail pretty well

  29. Call me Cordelia

    Totally and completely the 2nd best thing I’ve read all week (sorry, 1st best goes to this line from THE RENEGADE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES: “The sexual repression that was so central to Victorian ideology…was often stunningly absent from prostitutes’ minds… When the census was taken in Sweetwater, Texas, … Libby “Squirrel Tooth Alice” Thompson, unabashedly listed her occupation as “one who diddles and squirms in the dark.”) Best first lines and best twitter feed. You have a new follower! 😂

  30. I’m dying! This is so funny – I too can be found yelling at the self-checkout machine in Walmart. Glad I am not the only one.

  31. You are a girl after my own heart! Let’s be friends 🙂 p.s. don’t worry I swear there was no undertone of ‘crazy’ in that statement.

  32. Oh my gosh. We are the same person! I love this! 😂😂😂😂😂😂 You had me really laughing out loud!

  33. *finds your twitter* *vigorously retweets* *turns on notifications* thank you for brightening up my night!

  34. This is hilarious! I can relate to so many of these *sighs internally*

  35. haha you are funny! I needed a laugh thank you! I wish I had a twitter to follow you lol

  36. Love this!

  37. The Leaky Inkpot

    Haha… i think the food network are the ones who turned the camera to you,in your natural habitat …hillarious

  38. Sidrich Savang Chhour

    This is great

  39. Laughed out loud! Completely expressed my relationship with food!

  40. I scream at self-checkout machines and make grocery shopping lists after I get back from grocery shopping too.

  41. Stuart McEwan

    Food glorious food!

  42. This is great. Makes me feel like we could be best friends.

  43. Hilarious! I find tweeter annoying

  44. I will be follwing you shortly 😉

  45. Our resemblance is so uncanny! It’s so crazy how much I can relate to all of it lol

  46. This is the most amazing thing I have read in a good while. I feel you on screaming in front of a self checkout kiosk. But my biggest issue is when I use the hand-held wands to scan the items while I walk around the store and it decides to malfunction and delete every item I’ve scanned and now my only option is to either start again or go explain to a cashier that the little machine that was made to replace him is not working and now I need him to check me out of the store…… Food shopping woes.

  47. You put a smile on my face today, and well I really needed one. Thanks.

  48. *Falls down from the chair laughing,sits back on the chair but starts laughing again and falls down….(repeats 2 more times)
    Totaly hilarious …my stomach and back hurt.xD

  49. phongduanmetropolis

    I love that this is totally relatable

  50. I try to avoid self service checkouts as much as I can for the exact reasons you state.

  51. I am literally laughing out loud. 🙂 I don’t know anyone that can’t related.

  52. Oh. My. Gosh. Your tweets are hysterical. We need more Tweets like that, less from half-brained celebrity nitwits (who shall remain nameless). I especially relate to the bra foraging one. Sometimes I wonder if my husband thinks I’m purposely trying to be a snack dispenser…

  53. rubyredfoxblog

    The amount WWE championships I can win with my cart prying strength… #wehaveallbeenthere

  54. Your interactions with the food speak out to so many out there. I too throw the box away after reading instructions then look for it again in the trash.

  55. Nice post this I can imagine the 5th one actually happening at my local supermarket. I would have to laugh at her first…. Then walk over and help. 🙂

  56. Super funny- a delight to read! I am smiling while typing this. Cheers to your sense of humor.

  57. Hilarious! Great read

  58. Gave me a nice laugh!

  59. Hahahahahaha this is the funniest thing I’ve heard for a while. I keep showing all my friends this bloody hilarious post. I crack my friends up.😋

  60. You’re always a great read both here and on Twitter!

  61. Food… you and Jim Gaffigan… 🙂

  62. Hoot! My favorite? The bit about “there’s no unexpected item in the bagging area.” I can relate. Give me human checker every time. At least I can have a conversation, even it its only about the weather.

  63. Cutting the carbs is my favourite! They all made me laugh, though!

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