They say you should write what you know, which is why I never write about math, sex, or spelling “camouflage” right on the first try.
And even though my Food Network show would just be me sitting on the couch watching Food Network, it’s been brought to my attention from myself that I tweet a lot about food — eating it, pretty much daily trips to go buy it, and wearing it more than I care to admit.
So I decided to share a few of the highlights from the past couple of months, you know, in case Food Network is reading or something…
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 18, 2016
1. Read directions on box.
2. Throw box away.
3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 25, 2015
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 1, 2015
I ate roughly two pieces of lasagna. The third piece I ate rather gently.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 10, 2017
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 20, 2015
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You're old. And you want lasagna.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 27, 2018
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 15, 2016
I wish being fed up was as delicious as it sounds.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 14, 2016
Any food can be finger food if you’re too lazy to go get a fork.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 29, 2018
Directions: Allow food to sit for one minute before consuming.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 20, 2018
I think I'm common law married to this box of baking soda in my fridge now, so it's a pretty big day over here today.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 27, 2016
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 30, 2016
When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 22, 2015
She died doing what she loved: passive-aggressively sighing when the cashier bags her groceries out of the order that she put them on the belt.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 22, 2018
I don't require much to be happy. Four meals a day. Some snacks. Nine hours of sleep. Complete solitude and no social obligations whatsoever.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 6, 2018
Serving size suggestion: 1/2 cup
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 24, 2018
A majority of my decisions are made based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 16, 2016
"Yeah, I don't know. Maybe try eating more carbs." – Me, as a therapist.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 2, 2016
For someone who hates math, I sure do spend a lot of time calculating how long until I'm going to eat again.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 13, 2016
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to give me back the change from my groceries with all the bills facing the same way.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 14, 2016
Good things come to those who wait to talk to me until after I've had my tea, breakfast, and read the whole Internet twice.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 11, 2016
I don’t need to run a marathon to cry, load up on carbs, and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 16, 2018
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I would choose someone who is dead so I didn’t have to listen to them chew.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 17, 2016
I think the best part of being a superhero would be that you could turn your cape around and use it as a bib.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 7, 2016
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 28, 2014
I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 14, 2016
Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 2, 2017
I didn't say I was hungry. I said I wanted to eat.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 28, 2016
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 24, 2016
I just got home from the store so I should probably start making a list of things I need from the store.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 21, 2016
Of course I cut carbs. How else am I supposed to butter the inside of my bagel?
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 10, 2016
Yes, this pasta sauce is homemade if you live in Aisle 8 of the store.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 9, 2016
TV Guy: "Here our subject is in her natural environment, foraging for food."
*Camera cuts to me on the couch, finding an almond in my bra*
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 3, 2016
I don’t need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 29, 2016
I grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try and I've never felt more drunk with power
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 25, 2016
If you can't find the barcode on a product, maybe the self-checkout isn't for you. Don't be a hero.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 23, 2016
If you ask me, food for thought sounds like a pretty good trade.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 3, 2016
What can I say? Bon appétit!
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These are all great, but I agree that i can’t stand watching people not eat food on television! Especially cake. WHY ARE YOU NOT EATING ALL THE CAKE, TV PEOPLE!??!
And they always leave for the day without touching their massive breakfast
Reblogged this on kimboxin and commented:
Too effin’ funny to not share! I think we can all relate…
Oh I am still laughing about cutting carbs to butter your bagel! Too funny!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ~ pissing myself laughing.
I too, get slightly annoyed when I see actors in movies order food and then not eat it. Especially in Gilmore Girls when they are “constantly eating” but Rory is always getting up and leaving after taking only one bite.
Yes! I totally agree! Also when she’s at Chilton, she sits down with her lunch, eats one bite, Paris shows up, the bell rings, and they all leave. Whose lunch period is 30 seconds long, I ask you!
Hahah yep! I’ve always noticed that too! Damn Chilton was starving them.
damn girl, you crack me up.
Hilarious as always. I really enjoyed these.
Lord almighty, you are FUNNNY. I’ve missed your posts and clearly need to hang out on Twitter more…or not, because Twitter sucks. You on the other hand do not. Hysterical. Thanks for the laughs.
You’re hilarious!! Love the girl standing in front of the self checkout screaming and throwing away box, getting out of garbage!! Great stuff!!!!
I think Twitter sucks too, which is why I avoid it. If I knew there was such funny tweets on Twitter I might give it a shot again.
Love this!! So funny 😂
Yeah someone who loves food as much as I do!! This was so much fun to read!
This post is great. I too am a person who will throw the directions away and then fish them out of the garbage only to throw them away again. Thanks so much for putting a smile on my face.
I almost lost it completely over the almond in the bra! I can totally relate!
“Of course I cut carbs. How else would I be able to butter my bagle” still got me laughing
Wonderful reading! Thank you so much for cheering up my snack!
All of your tweets are legitimately my life. I love it!!
Haha this is jokes, relatable though since I tweet a lot about food too😂
I visited America this year and headed to Walmart as it is the brunt of so many jokes and had to experience one for myself. It was everything I had hoped for. They have checkout chicks that would be ideal for zombie movies. Does anyone retire in the USA?
Hope you continue to post your tweets here. Blogosphere > Twitterverse.
This was fun… Just came across your blog and loved it
LOL Just went on a retweeting spree
This is great stuff, we all do these things and look around to see how many people are giving us that “Oh Look, that girl is crazy” look. LOL
I laughed so much at this. I relate deeply to most of them, especially the servings size one. A jar of peanuy butter is 17 servings? Um no, it’s 1. Why else would it be in 1 jar? Must be a typo.
Before I head to the fridge I posted the link to this hilarious blogpost on Twitter. Anybody who eats or laughs should read this.
I love that this is totally relatable
I enjoyed reading this! Laughed out loud!
After watching eat pray and love, my entire focus was on eating and eating only. And sweety you did hit the nail pretty well
Totally and completely the 2nd best thing I’ve read all week (sorry, 1st best goes to this line from THE RENEGADE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES: “The sexual repression that was so central to Victorian ideology…was often stunningly absent from prostitutes’ minds… When the census was taken in Sweetwater, Texas, … Libby “Squirrel Tooth Alice” Thompson, unabashedly listed her occupation as “one who diddles and squirms in the dark.”) Best first lines and best twitter feed. You have a new follower! 😂
I’m dying! This is so funny – I too can be found yelling at the self-checkout machine in Walmart. Glad I am not the only one.
You are a girl after my own heart! Let’s be friends 🙂 p.s. don’t worry I swear there was no undertone of ‘crazy’ in that statement.
Oh my gosh. We are the same person! I love this! 😂😂😂😂😂😂 You had me really laughing out loud!
*finds your twitter* *vigorously retweets* *turns on notifications* thank you for brightening up my night!
This is hilarious! I can relate to so many of these *sighs internally*
haha you are funny! I needed a laugh thank you! I wish I had a twitter to follow you lol
Haha… i think the food network are the ones who turned the camera to you,in your natural habitat …hillarious
Man i agree mainly the food network production is a form healthy choice television that should or suppose education people who watches the show to encourage, others to eat healthier and to choose appropriate condiments on what families must have for dinner and so on.
Yeah…unfortunately we’re all now people on the fast lane full of fast foods..the food show networks appeal to everyone but not too many of them have the luxury to really get in too deep with the cooking amd stuff
Yeah, man i completely agree with your statement. Keep it up.
Thanks all your the same… will do..You too
This is great
Laughed out loud! Completely expressed my relationship with food!
I scream at self-checkout machines and make grocery shopping lists after I get back from grocery shopping too.
Ya me too
Food glorious food!
This is great. Makes me feel like we could be best friends.
Hilarious! I find tweeter annoying
I will be follwing you shortly 😉
Our resemblance is so uncanny! It’s so crazy how much I can relate to all of it lol
This is the most amazing thing I have read in a good while. I feel you on screaming in front of a self checkout kiosk. But my biggest issue is when I use the hand-held wands to scan the items while I walk around the store and it decides to malfunction and delete every item I’ve scanned and now my only option is to either start again or go explain to a cashier that the little machine that was made to replace him is not working and now I need him to check me out of the store…… Food shopping woes.
You put a smile on my face today, and well I really needed one. Thanks.
*Falls down from the chair laughing,sits back on the chair but starts laughing again and falls down….(repeats 2 more times)
Totaly hilarious …my stomach and back hurt.xD
I love that this is totally relatable
I try to avoid self service checkouts as much as I can for the exact reasons you state.
I am literally laughing out loud. 🙂 I don’t know anyone that can’t related.
Oh. My. Gosh. Your tweets are hysterical. We need more Tweets like that, less from half-brained celebrity nitwits (who shall remain nameless). I especially relate to the bra foraging one. Sometimes I wonder if my husband thinks I’m purposely trying to be a snack dispenser…
The amount WWE championships I can win with my cart prying strength… #wehaveallbeenthere
Your interactions with the food speak out to so many out there. I too throw the box away after reading instructions then look for it again in the trash.
This is awesome
Nice post this I can imagine the 5th one actually happening at my local supermarket. I would have to laugh at her first…. Then walk over and help. 🙂
Super funny- a delight to read! I am smiling while typing this. Cheers to your sense of humor.
Hilarious! Great read
Gave me a nice laugh!
Hahahahahaha this is the funniest thing I’ve heard for a while. I keep showing all my friends this bloody hilarious post. I crack my friends up.😋
Haha! Too funny
You’re always a great read both here and on Twitter!
Food… you and Jim Gaffigan… 🙂
Hoot! My favorite? The bit about “there’s no unexpected item in the bagging area.” I can relate. Give me human checker every time. At least I can have a conversation, even it its only about the weather.
Cutting the carbs is my favourite! They all made me laugh, though!