Arts & Crap

Not that she’s worried about it, but just like Heloise, Martha Stewart can sleep well at night knowing I am in no way going to wrestle her to the ground for her crafty crown.


I did make these, but we’ll get back to them in a minute.

Let me back up and say that I’m actually kind of artistic. When I was little I was always drawing, painting, changing the interior decorating in my Barbie house or doing something creative with my Tupperware containers full of art supplies.

But as I got older, I traded in my blue box of Mr. Sketch scented markers for sports equipment and foam balls to put in my shirt for impromptu Mariah Carey concerts given on the front lawn. It’s not that I ever lost that creative spark; I just put it on the shelf for a while and replaced it with other forms of artistic expression…like painting my living room and coloring my hair.

With that said, the past couple of years I’ve tried to be crafty in an attempt to also be charitable.

Our senior friends love anything you make for them, so I’ve taken to going to Michael’s and investing a few bucks in “simple” crafts that can be given to the old people.

Before you get too impressed, let me be clear that we’re not talking about intricate needlepoint—I can’t be trusted with sharp objects—but rather a variety of foam decorations that can be displayed or attached to my super simple pretzel treats, also known as geriatric crack.

There have been pumpkins, turkeys, wreaths, hearts—you name it, I’ve foamed it, farmed it out and have the glitter still stuck in my dining room rug to prove it. But the latest project—mini Easter baskets—once again cemented the fact that I am no Martha Stewart.


Check that. It “super glued” the fact that I am no Martha Stewart.

I artfully placed my supplies on a towel on my dining room table and began crafting, creating little foam Easter baskets from the 132 pieces that were supplied to me, secure in the knowledge printed on the box that no glue was required and anyone over the age of 4 could easily complete the craft.


Long story short, I completed the craft only to find out the next night that all the crap that DIDN’T NEED TO BE GLUED had peeled off the baskets and basically fallen off.


This did not please me. I went to the Dollar Store and got super glue, maniacally gluing each and every piece of foam back to the carefully constructed baskets, holding down each piece for the 15 seconds the tube recommended.

The good news? I only glued my fingers together twice.

The bad news? It took me entirely too long to do a simple craft that some lunatic in the foam factory thinks a 4-year-old could do with NO GLUE and I found a leftover sticky foam flower stuck to the ass of my yoga pants a couple hours later.


Plus, things still kind of peeled off.

But when you add in pretzel treats stuffed into Easter bags from the Dollar Store, you have an inexpensive, festive, chocolaty treat for a bunch of old people who probably won’t notice a slightly detached flower petal due to cataracts and a “go-for-the-chocolate” crazed look in their eyes.

So to summarize, I’m artistically somewhere between Martha Stewart and a 4-year-old and I deal out geriatric crack (pretzel treats) in super glued foam Easter baskets.

I do believe Martha is safe. 

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26 responses to “Arts & Crap

  1. As a professional mother 2 children in the “4 years and up” craft category, I can tell you that this label and the one that claims “No Glue Required” are bullshit.
    4yo’s can’t pull the foam stickers out of their perforations without at least one tantrum per pastel egg, and the sticky bits only stick for the 7.3 seconds you first have your eyes on the completed projects (once you remove your eyes form the just-stuck stickers, they lose the heat of visual contact and immediately begin peeling off).
    It’s all a conspiracy for us to go back to the craft store to buy the expensive glue..then a different kind of glue…then crafts that aren’t quite as cheap as the ones we bought in the first place with our coupons.
    So, basically, what I’m saying is: Keep tossing the senior citizen crack into your crafts as a distraction and no one will notice. If there happens to be any 36yo’s in the senior center when you hand them out? She’ll understand if they are falling apart, but she’ll keep your secret.

  2. You remind me so much of myself…which comforts me! 😉

    We are the best example of “it’s the thought that counts!” BTW those baskets look adorable!!!!!

  3. I would like those pretzel treats and also I think that looks like an awesome craft (if only it were a bit more adhesive!). We used to bring crafts like that to the senior center in high school, and it was actually pretty fun. (But the point of those were to do it with the seniors, not for. I digress)

  4. I do NOT do crafts. And I have wee children, so that is saying something. I was also pretty artistic in my youth, but more drawing/painting than any crafty stuff.

    Still, if you wanted to give me one of those baskets filled with crack, err chocolate pretzels, I would be sure to not mention the petals pealing off and lie through my teeth that those were the most professional Martha Stewarty Easter baskets I had ever seen. Do we have a deal? Cool, now where’s my chocolate?? 🙂

  5. This old lady would be delighted to receive a basket of geriatric crack and chocolate, even if it was falling apart! lol

  6. Plus, I know a lot of blue-haired gals who will be thrilled to have an easter basket with a mangled bunny on it.

  7. At least you didn’t opt for the glue gun. Can you imagine your fingers after trying to stick on those foamy duckies with hot, liquid glue? I’ve been there (every year around Mother’s Day during elementary school, I was the first one in the office with burns) and it’s not pretty! I think the baskets are adorable, though. They’ll be a hit!

    • I actually have a glue gun that I used to use when I was crafty, but it’s at my mom’s house. It will stay buried in a box at my mom’s house, as hot glue and the attention span of a gnat on crack to not mix well.

  8. I think they look lovely. As a non-crafter myself, I’m quite proud of you for even UNDERTAKING a craft. I “made” my kids’ Valentine’s cards this year by bringing up an image of a printable card on my monitor and showing it to them. “Look kids! There’s your ‘card’!” So brava!

  9. I’d say cute baskets, but that would so destroy your image. Anyway, they won’t let you have sharp objects? – How have you managed to hold on to that mind of yours? (waiting, waiting, waiting for the obvious “already lost it” retort…..)

  10. I’m totally with you on this one. I call myself the anti-crafty. I would’ve probably glued stuff on with super glue upside down and then told them, “That’s so when you’re dumping the bucket to get your chocolate out, you can see the little chick better!” I am the anti-crafty, and a bold face liar to cover up my shortcomings. It works for me.

  11. I never trust those “no glue required” labels. I call BS on every single one. And those are really cute, you should be proud! And those chocolate covered pretzel things aren’t just crack to the seniors, my friend.

  12. There’s nothing quite like the panic when you first can’t get your fingers apart. They look cute to me and I bet you made a lot of people happy!

  13. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    “Simple” crafts have a way of being the most complicated and old people will love anything so I think this is wonderful. Hopefully you didn’t have to use those little kid scissors because those make me want to kill myself.

  14. These are so stinking cute. I can’t take it. You’re making me want to volunteer at a nursing home, but I’m scared the old hags won’t like me!

    • Please. Don’t take this the wrong way, but we’re a lot alike. If the old hags can hang with me, and more impressive–my mom, you would have no problem.

  15. but where are the directions for the preztel treats????? please.

    • Sorry! I’ve posted it on here a few times before, but they’re really super simple. All you need are three ingredients: pretzels, M & Ms and Hershey Hugs.
      1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees, line a baking sheet with foil and cover the foil with plain mini pretzels (either the normal twisty kind or circles).
      2. Unwrap the Hugs, and then place a Hug in the center of each pretzel.
      3. Stick the pan in the oven for only around four minutes (depending on the oven). You want to make sure the Hugs get melty, but don’t want them to burn (hence the low heat).
      4. As soon as you have meltage (technical terms), remove the pan from oven and immediately place an M&M in the center of each melty hug/pretzel hybrid.
      5. Either cool on the counter for a couple hours, or if you have no patience, stick the pan in the fridge for an hour or so.
      That’s it! You can also make them with a Rolo and a pecan for a “turtle”-like treat.

  16. ha ha ha… I saw your tweeting rampage about these. All that matters is they turned out cute, right? And you scored karma points. That’s a big deal.

  17. I think they turned out great – and I say that from the POV of someone who used to work in a nursing home and knows how much the geriatrics love their crack, AND from the POV of a crafting mom who understands the murderous frustration caused by craft foam. In the end, you completed the task without flipping out and burning your house down just to be rid of the baskets, and that’s a success in my book.

  18. I salute you for picking up that box of foam nightmares, to begin with. I used to also love that stuff when I was younger, but now I can’t get far enough away from any product that says “assembly required” or “any two-year-old can do it”. Now that I have kids, I know they’re going to ask to do stuff like that. I just hope I don’t have to have the “I don’t craft, I blog” speech anytime soon… Btw..Thanks for stopping by today!

  19. Anything that says it does NOT require glue = BOLOGNA!

    “The good news? I only glued my fingers together twice. The bad news? It took me entirely too long to do a simple craft that some lunatic in the foam factory thinks a 4-year-old could do with NO GLUE and I found a leftover sticky foam flower stuck to the ass of my yoga pants a couple hours later.”

    That? Made me laugh out loud, so much, my son came into my room wondering what’s so damn funny.

  20. I don’t know if Martha is safe or not! You know how to improvise, write well and you have a sense of humor, which Martha does not. So, Martha better watch out. (Thanks for linking up with #findingthefunny!)

  21. One of the most clicked links at #findingthefunny. We’re featuring you tomorrow!

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