Crap Happens

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that birds see my Blazer as an expensive outhouse, but they’ve recently reached a new level of crappiness—projectile pooping.


It’s hard to make out in this picture, but on a rainy Sunday afternoon a feathered freak somehow managed to poop on my glass door. How does this happen? In order for that to occur, the stealthy shitter would have to literally hover in the air and aim, exerting a certain amount of force in order for the load to lodge on the glass. I am baffled, but also slightly impressed.

Because let’s cut the crap—pooping is wonderful.

I’ll go on record (with TMI) and say that a good “constitution” makes me happier than just about anything else. Due to years of abuse, I totally screwed up my digestive system and used to go a full week without “elimination.” It took about five years for my body to forgive me and recover and I still suffer from IBS, but with careful diet choices, research, a predictable routine and the fact that I’m not screwing it up, my bowels and I get along swimmingly.

I’m not alone in the neurotic nature of bowel sensitivity. 

David Sedaris has a chapter in “Naked” in which as an OCD child, he’s sent to Greece for a month and never had a bowel movement because he was out of his routine.

“Sitting down three times a day for a heavy Greek meal became an exercise akin to packing a musket.”

I can totally relate, which is another reason that I’m not a fan of traveling. When my schedule gets thrown off, my bowel isn’t the only thing that gets irritable.  If I don’t go, I have no appetite, and anything that messes with my food is on my shit list.

However, it’s not exactly “proper” to discuss these things, which I find kind of weird.

We all know it happens, yet it’s often (crop) dusted over with an embarrassed but knowing glance when someone accidentally lets one rip or needs a few minutes in the bathroom. Why is it such a “taboo” topic for most people?

Heck, people talk about sex all the time, and from what I can remember that’s just as messy and much less satisfying.

Now I’m not saying we need to go around talking crap with everyone. There is obviously a certain sense of decorum and flatulence isn’t exactly something to bring up in a job interview—although that might liven things up. But when the situation presents itself, I don’t see what’s so embarrassing.

As the old saying goes, “I’d rather fart and bear the shame than hold it in and bear the pain.”

Crap happens, but let’s keep it off my dining room door.

I’m looking at you, you little feathered freak…

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41 responses to “Crap Happens

  1. I’m the same way traveling. It drives me crazy. It kind of puts a damper on going out of town. I hate feeling bloated! It’s the worst.

  2. I used to be shy about farts and poo-subjects.

    When I met my now ex-girlfriend, she thought I was a complete freak because I wouldn’t fart in her presence. Over time, and as we became more comfortable with each other, I let my fart-guard down and became a proud farting member of society.

    As for the projectile-shitting. I am stumped. Maybe they are literally just throwing shit at your window, with their little feathered wings? Or, perhaps they’re asking the squirrels to do it for them? Squirrels have opposable thumbs.

    No matter who is responsible, Abby, it sounds to me as though you have a mutiny on your hands.

  3. I know what happened with the bird because it happens to us all the time! Sun glares off the window so the bird can’t see it and flies full speed into the window and then craps itself. Lots of times you’ll get the extra treat of finding a dead bird carcass next to the shit. You’re welcome for that little bit of knowledge.

  4. Sounds like you have been both the crapper and the crappee on occasion!

  5. I hear ya loud and clear. I have pictures from my honeymoon where my belly was so distended I looked like I was 6 months pregnant because I couldn’t poop around my new husband. After 25 years of marriage we have no problem farting and crapping around each other.

  6. I went with a girlfriend to Turks and Caicos and didn’t poop for 4 days, which was awesome when you have to be in a bikini every day. By the end of the trip Angelina Jolie tried to adopt me and my distended belly.

  7. Have you never been crapped on by a bird while outside. They don’t hover, they do it while in flight. Poop for thought.

  8. First of all, that is a mighty impressive window turd.

    Secondly, I have long avoided a poop post because I have so much to say on the subject. So to keep it concise here, I also have trouble when traveling, which is difficult ’cause I’m usually quite regular. And I talk about pooping all of the time, because I don’t see why it’s such a no no subject, unless you are talking with people whom you know it bothers. Luckily, most of my friends do not have delicate sensibilities. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to be friends with me if you do.

  9. People that travel with me probably think I am whiny and negative. But they just don’t understand how it feels if I can’t find a banana or have a guaranteed hour of solitude in the morning or run out of the orange powder. It’s ALL because I have to poop on schedule and completely alone and eat a banana in the morning with tea like I always do, or I’ll be unable to poop period, and then carry around pound upon pound in my already packed stomach, which will make me uncomfortable and cranky, and eating will become unpleasant, exactly like packing a musket. And this is why I bring tea, bananas, and don’t stay in people’s houses or share hotel rooms. Shit happens.

    • OK. I love you, as I do the same exact thing. Exactly. If I don’t have my tea in the morning, you might as well just avoid me for the next 24 hours until i can wake up and start it all again, properly, with my tea (this also includes the time after supper or any other random times throughout the day when I can hit that window with tea and 10 minutes alone.) Now I’ve shared too much. Carry on.

  10. Ha! I guess I’m still kind of shy about it. Damn repressive childhood. I agree though, it’s silly.

  11. FYI: Maybe it’s cultural or maybe it’s because we have a medical family, but we talk about poop and bowel movements and the proper color and consistency of the aforementioned stuff all the time. Especially at meals. You should just come over. You’d fit right in. We also talk about flesh eating viruses. So… 🙂

    Here’s hoping your musket is quickly unpacked.

    • I think anyone who deals with anything medical has no qualms about discussing normal bodily functions. I also think anyone who has changed the diapers of their 90-year-old grandma for five years or spent any time in a nursing home knows that yes, crap happens. Spontaneously. We would be CHARMING dinner guests 😉

  12. The same thing happened to our doors that lead to the back deck, but there was also crap all over the deck. It looked like a bird had a really, really bad day.

  13. Thanks for the Sunday morning laughs, Abby. I’m of the repressed school- never used the bathroom in our hotel room when traveling with my husband but went down to the lobby and used that bathroom. I’d like to keep a little bit of mystery in our relationship as it will gone soon enough and we will be to the diapers stage.

  14. Crap really makes or break my mood. I am with you. And you should see me when we travel, it’s like my stomach has a mind of it’s own, which i think it does and tries to piss me off. Well i pissed it off right back when i had my colonoscopy. haha.

  15. And that is exactly why I prefer to read about exotic places rather then travel to them! Just found your blog today and I think I’m going to like you a lot. Cheers.

  16. Poor bird probably didn’t see the glass, thought it was a window and tried to head through. Imagine his surprise when he hit the glass! It scared the shit out of him;-)

  17. Just when I think I can’t like you more…

    We really need to get together and have a little mutual admiration society meeting, eat lots of fiber, break for an hour, and then rejoin to happily float around the room and continue.

    Granted, my innards are sort of generically screwed up in this department, too, but I agree with both the WHY IS THIS SO TABOO? EVERYBODY POOPS! philosophy, and, as I’ve adopted from Shrek, the “Better out than in, I say” one. (This applies equally to a good burp for me, since I couldn’t even physically DO THAT until I was about 16. Then I’d run around burping at people like I was four, or on a stupid human trick segment, then squealing with delight. But I digress…)

    I actually have always had more issues with being a little, hrmm, overeager? until very recently (last few months or so). Especially when traveling. My family jokes that I must “Christen” our temporary dwellings immediately upon arrival, and they aren’t that far off. I will say, though, that I will happily return to my shit-on-command, anytime-anyplace ways (and return I will, it’s “sunrise, sunset” with this here colon) after my brief dalliances in the world of more sluggish insides. My sympathies to you and your sausage-casings-kind.

  18. Also, re: fodmaps, do you read hungry hungry hippie? She’s a vegan nurse SLASH foodie with all sorts of GI issues, and she’s a fodmaps NUT. Posts recipes and restaurant reviews a lot.

    My apologies if your blog is where I discovered her… (insert shameful, shifty-eyes face)

    • The FOODMAPS site I linked to is written by Elise. I’ve always read HHH and she started that blog as a separate FOODMAPS thing. 😉

  19. I’m the same way. My body is so used to routine, that if I’m even five minutes off, it’s just not happening that day at all (mostly because I’m weird and REFUSE to use public washrooms for “certain things”). You should totally find that bird and shit in its nest.

  20. You can’t fault the bird, because nothing feels better than taking a good crap.

  21. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    Wow, me too. Except my post-ED IBS has not calmed down. Well I guess relatively it has in that I don’t end up in the ER anymore, not that there was anything they could ever do for me anyway. Hopefully time will lend me a manageable routine like you said you’ve managed to figure out for yourself. Is this why we both love prunes? Likely. 🙂 The birds are just throwing it in your face that they are GI masters…assholes.

  22. Seems like the bird has mastered pooping to an art.

    And travelling really does a murderous job on my GI tract. I will never forget my trip to Italy…

  23. Abby, I feel like you are talking to me!!!! It’s so strange, isn’t it? How people hide and look uncomfortable about poop talk. Or maybe i just talk about it too much?????

  24. I can’t poop when I travel either. I even tried laxatives on a trip once and nothing happened. NOTHING! Once I stepped foot in my house after I returned, whoa…the floodgates were open!

  25. HA! As someone with Crohn’s Disease I’ve had more than my share of pooing and farting!

  26. Because my father-in-law feels obligated to share his bowel habits with me (as well as the chewing/spitting tobacco habit), and I’ve dealt with the digestive systems of 5 children, I feel that I should be excused for life from sharing in anyone elses. Oh yeah , I forgot to mention that I grew up with 4 brothers that enjoyed sharing any bodily function that gave off an odor– it’s amazing how many there actually are.

    Seriously, I’m done.

    • You prove my point. Crap happens and can’t be avoided. However, sometimes it should be if it involves Dutch Ovens, if you know what I mean.

  27. kelleysbreakroom

    The three boys walking around my house have no issues with letting out the pain, but they also aren’t bearing any shame. More like fame.

  28. I’m the same way when it comes to pooing, especially when I travel. I hate being on vacation in a bathing suit and feeling all bloated. Well, I hate being in a bathing suit anyway, but the bloat doesn’t help! I’m kinda jealous of your poo-skilled bird friend.

  29. I have always wondered how birds do that. We’ve found random bird crap on various windows before and I’m just amazed. But not in a good way.

    Having IBS as well, I can totally sympathize. I have IBS-D (mostly…though it can be C/D from time to time) so my problem is the opposite–I have to be comfortable going to the bathroom anywhere at any time. So while I may sympathize with the bird, I still have no idea how s/he did that.

  30. Birds are mysterious creatures aren’t they? They’ve got mad poopin’ skills. With all the meds I have to take poop is something that is affected which really sucks because I’m not keen on abdominal cramping at all. Thank Cheesus for Colace!

  31. As far as “farting”……my great aunt always said, “never hold on to something you can’t see.” I was mortified since she said it in front of my then teenage son who thought farts were hysterical. This just encouraged him.

  32. What a “moving” post!
    One time a seagull crapped right in my eye…

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