I wrote another book.
You probably have questions, like “Why in the world did you think that’s a good idea?” “Why should anyone buy this? and “How did it feel to find a picture of yourself as a toddler in a bathing suit and realize your boobs are still the same size?”
Well—you little ray of sunshine, you—perhaps writing this book wasn’t a good idea and maybe no one will buy it. But people actually buy Snuggies, so I figured it was worth giving it a go once again.
I say “again” because there are a few of you out there I roped into buying my first book (or that found it propping open the door of a portable toilet at a campground somewhere in the rural Midwest) who read it and might decide to give this one a go in the comfort of indoor plumbing.
If you do, I thank you in advance for reading this book, the second compilation of neurotic essays from this blog.
(“Neurotic,” not “erotic,” although if that will help sell some copies, I can try and slip in a few pictures of me longingly gazing at a new jar of vegan pesto or something equally lusty. Just let me know.)
Will anyone buy it? I don’t know.
But I’ve had at least 12 people ask me to write another book, and 7 of them weren’t even related to me or drunk at the time of request. Because I’m a people pleaser when that pleasing will validate my many insecurities, I decided to cater to my audience of dozens.
You’re welcome Mom and that creepy guy from Facebook.
Actually, I did it because writing is the one thing I really take pride in, the thing that keeps me afloat when I feel like I can barely keep my head above water (ahem, every day.) So while this book is far from perfect or fancy—much like me, it has some issues — if I can share a little humor with even a dozen people that I am or am not related to that are either sober or half in the bag, then it’s been worth it to me.
And I hope it’s worth it to you.
But if you hate this new book, I suggest you drink while reading it or use it to prop open the door of a portable toilet at a campground somewhere for someone to find.
I’m all about paying it forward.
Speaking of which, here’s the deal.
First, you buy this book HERE in paperback, HERE in Kindle or out of the back of my car if you see me in person. Then you share this post via Twitter, Facebook, running up and down the street yelling that you just bought a book, etc. Finally, leave a comment below telling me what you did or plan to do.*
Because you’ll be entered in a random drawing for a $20 Amazon gift card you can use to buy another copy of my book (since you’re buying it right now) or a life-sized Justin Bieber cutout. Your call. I won’t judge…that much.
I will announce the winner in a post on June 4, so get thee to the Amazon.com!
*If you don’t plan on doing anything but still want to leave a comment, that’s fine. But if you win, I will demand that the gift card can only be used to buy a life-sized Justin Bieber cutout. Although future posts here include underwear and pick-up lines at Home Depot, I do have some dignity, my friends.
Yay! I’m so glad you got the book done and out. I’m off to Amazon to buy one or two or maybe even three. I’m all about passing along the love.
Way to go Abby!!! I loved your first book and look forward to reading your new one….while once again laughing and wiping away the tears!!! Love you Ab!!
I am so proud of you! I will share the link on my facebook and put one on our website too…way to go. 😉
Abby, hello! It has been a while, so I appreciated the email and update. I purchased the book, and am off to purchase the first one too!
I just bought the Kindle edition and can’t wait to start reading! You made me giggle and laugh out loud with just your description of the book 🙂 I’m looking forward to some humor to lighten up my journey. Thanks!!
I bought them both because I need more of your amazing humor in my life. You’re awesome.
Really? You totally just made my day (along with everyone else who is leaving a nice comment.) Well, you’re competing with waking up to cat puke and severe thunderstorms before going to work, but still! You’re a freaking ray of sunshine!
Abby, I just boughtened a Kindle copy and posted high praise and a link on my Facebook page. I admire you so much as a writer because you have more self-hate than I do, and that’s saying a lot.
I prefer “dysfunctional confidence” to “self-hate,” but potato/po-tah-to.
Just bought the kindle version and can’t wait to read it. You always make me laugh! Shared a link to your page on facebook.
Thank you so much!
you’re hilarious. of course you should have two books. or three.
I think two is pushing my limit, as people are already sick of hearing from me 😉
It’s amazing you’ve written not one, but two books now. Kudos to you, and I would never use it to prop open the door of a portable toilet…that’s what Twilight is for.
I should be your manager. I told you you should write another book. I’ll forego my 5 percent cut in exchange for a full page acknowledgement and you writing something glowing about the Braves.
seriously. I can’t wait to promote, talk about and read. I bought your first book the second day it was out. SO that makes me the best friend ever.
You ARE the best friend ever and you know I appreciate everything. But mostly the baseball talk.
OMG Abby – you dedicated your new book to me! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am so shocked I’m crying.
I KNEW you would figure it out. Subliminal messages are hidden throughout the WHOLE book.
When you buy a Kindle book you want to read RIGHT now even though you have 10 other digital books already purchased that you might never get to, an angel gets their wings. Or something.
I suppose that makes sense. But after having to format the thing, I wish nothing but evil upon said Kindles 😉
Hey Abby I’ve just stumbled upon your issues, please keep having them so I can keep laughing.
Thanks for reading!
You are so funny! I love your stuff, I’m still new only found you a few days ago, but have been really impressed by your frequent status updates. Thanks for sharing keep up the good work and can’t wait to get the book on pay day!
Woo-hoo! I can’t wait for pay day either, although yours might be more reason to celebrate than mine. No matter. Thanks for reading along!
Always feel normal when I read this blog!
You busy little writing and publishing maven, you! I just bought the book and tweeted about it – now I’m just hoping this motivates me to work out since I’ll have something great to read!
Yay! Thank for all your support all the time. As soon as “When the Dollhouse Turns” goes paperback, I’ll be the first in line!
Congratulations, Abby! Can’t wait to get my hot little hands on your new book. Loved the first one! I want to be just like you when I grow up. =)
Oh no. Aim higher, my friend! Aim higher!
Loved this post, and am so going to buy your book… this inspires the likes of me as I really relate and I REALLY laughed!!
I now must know about waking up with cat puke, cause that’s happened to me!!
On the bed, right next to my then boyfriend’s face – unfortunately turned out not to be puke but cat diarrhea – was so, so disgusting and yet I couldn’t control the laughter. Poor man was almost crying with repulsion and rage, stripping the sheets and scrubbing the mattress while I made a quick retreat to the sofa and wept with laughter!!
(I was truly grateful he wouldn’t let me help…)
Holy crap, no pun intended. That sounds absolutely horrible. My situation is that she eats the fake straw/potting stuff from my fake tree even though I have a towel wrapped around the whole pot and everything (very attractive.) Somehow she digs in there sometimes and pukes it right up. Lovely, but the tree was there first and it’s staying!
Hahahaaa… it was but he’d accidentally locked her IN the bedroom instead of OUT, (old cat) and it was hilarious (or the ex’s reaction was hilarious, more like… evil, I am!!)
Vodka gimlet and book2 in hand will make a great flight to Seattle for my cruise to Alaska with my husband!
TAKE ME WITH YOU!!! I miss you 🙂
Bought it! Love my one click on amazon, super easy to spend money fast 🙂
So, so proud of you, my dear friend!
I can’t tell you how happy this makes me! I’m so happy you decided to put out a second book. The world deserves your humor, my friend!
so proud and happy for you, you should be in every beach bag, on every coffee table, sitting on every KINDLE. thanks for all the giggles my friend.
Sorry… I haven’t bought it because, let’s face it: I am a rocking 99% who’s last job earned her $1200 in 3 months work while racking up crazy expenses on a California lifestyle she couldn’t afford. I did share it because you are in my opinion the funniest of funny ladies and you deserve rockstardom success. Am I a sucky suck up? Maybe. Do I honestly feel utter pangs of jealousy at your sheer natural talent for turning the mundane into something nobody else could ever think of? Maybe. It remains to be known… Good luck with your sales!
Thank you so much for your constant support. And remember that tons of people feel pangs of jealousy at your sheer natural talent for not just writing, but for turning everything into an adventure 😉
Awww… I’d rather turn everything into a money making venture right now though. But thanks for your constant kind words! xo
Am I too late for the Amazon Git Card? I’ve been collecting Git cards since I was a kid. My current favorite is Justin Bieber.
You freaked me out, woman. I thought I had a typo in this stupid post.
Just bought it, so excited to read the new book!
Yay! Thank you!
Just ordered mine. Also promoted on facebook. Good luck and congratulations 🙂
Thank you, Dan! You know I appreciate all your support.
Ok, I haven’t read this post. I don’t know how I missed it and I bow my head in shame. I’m really interested to know how your first book did. I don’t know if you can write to my email and let me know. I’m very interested as people are on at me to do that and I wonder if it’s worthwhile. Congrats on the humour, output and hard work by the way. It’s always impressive. I follow a lot of Blogs at the moment, but you are what I call in the ‘special’ circle and I’m mortified | missed this post. Have to check back again now
Feel free to email me at any time with any questions! I honestly only write these books because I enjoy knowing I might make a few people laugh. I donated all the profits from my first book to the Humane Society and this book is also slow-going. Money is never the object, as that’s insane. I do it because I love it and hope other people enjoy it as well!
believe I just might have to purchase this!
I cannae afford to buy your book at the moment and don’t have a Kindle to get it cheaply so I promise that if I win I will purchase a copy with the Amazon voucher. Or, y’know, a life size Justin Bieber cut out. Whichever will make you happier.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!! I am so excited – buying it RIGHT now!
i’m off to buy at amazon right now. I’m psyched !!!!!
Yay! I’m so excited for you. Are you self-publishing? I have so many questions, but most of all, I’m so pumped for you! 🙂
You make me laugh. I bought both of your books for my kindle. I wanted to get the paper version, but I haven’t got a portable toilet. Thanks.