A Missed Opportunity

Deep thought: What came first—the color orange or the fruit?

Did someone look at the fruit and think, “That’s the color orange, so we’ll just call in an orange!” and if it was unripe and green, it would have been called a green? Or were they like, “This fruit, an orange, is also a great name for a color—one that can be created by mixing red and yellow and that people will never be able to rhyme with?”

The same could be said for grapes and grapefruit.

Why is a grape a grape but then a grapefruit is a fruit that in no way resembles an actual grape in taste or aesthetic? Was the person who labeled something as “Ugli” fruit out of the office that day or what?

Sorry. I do have a point.

Obviously a cook cooks and a copy machine makes copies, but other descriptions aren’t quite as clear. There are some missed opportunities out there for classifications—ones that would make much more sense (I’m sure the male “ladybug” would agree.)

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Aerobics Instructor = Cardio-logist

Stepdad = Faux Pas

“Step” anything just sounds weird, so I propose we call him a “faux pas.” It’s both descriptive and exotic because it’s French and anything French just sounds fancy.

Cubicle = Cuticle

The word “cubicle” conjures up unpleasant images of work and the word “cuticle” conjures up unpleasant images of those weird little pieces of skin on your fingers. I propose we change these things so “cuticle” represents a cutely decorated cubicle, enhancing the work situation (at least in descriptions.)

Stomach = Food processor

Cash = Pay-per

This only makes sense. What do you do with cash other than pay for things? Sure, you might fold a $1 bill into an origami football to flick back and forth once in awhile, but otherwise you’re “paying” for things. Ergo, “pay-per.”

Shampoo = Hair freshener

Auto Body Mechanics = Dent-ists

Hello? How was this not a thing? While they have many jobs not related to external maintenance, they often tend to car dents. Therefore, they are technically dent-ists. You’re welcome.

Astronomers = Skyintists

Chiropractors = Crack Dealers

I adore my chiropractor but feel a little funny saying I go to the chiropractor, only because it kind of sounds a) pretentious, although the visits are medically necessary and b) like a dinosaur, which sounds cool but then disappointing when it’s a doctor and not a dinosaur. Plus, saying I have a crack dealer gives me street cred as a skinny Polish white girl.

Shoes = Foot Lockers

Gynecologist = Privates Investigators

I’m not sure this one needs an explanation, but I feel the new title more accurately describes the duties of these medical miners.

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Looking at the list I guess it could be a little weird if someone saw you had appointments for a privates investigator and a crack dealer on the same day, but that’s what creepy people—henceforth known as “creeples”—get for snooping.

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