A Missed Opportunity

Deep thought: What came first—the color orange or the fruit?

Did someone look at the fruit and think, “That’s the color orange, so we’ll just call in an orange!” and if it was unripe and green, it would have been called a green? Or were they like, “This fruit, an orange, is also a great name for a color—one that can be created by mixing red and yellow and that people will never be able to rhyme with?”

The same could be said for grapes and grapefruit.

Why is a grape a grape but then a grapefruit is a fruit that in no way resembles an actual grape in taste or aesthetic? Was the person who labeled something as “Ugli” fruit out of the office that day or what?

Sorry. I do have a point.

Obviously a cook cooks and a copy machine makes copies, but other descriptions aren’t quite as clear. There are some missed opportunities out there for classifications—ones that would make much more sense (I’m sure the male “ladybug” would agree.)

Aerobics Instructor = Cardio-logist

Stepdad = Faux Pas

“Step” anything just sounds weird, so I propose we call him a “faux pas.” It’s both descriptive and exotic because it’s French and anything French just sounds fancy.

Cubicle = Cuticle

The word “cubicle” conjures up unpleasant images of work and the word “cuticle” conjures up unpleasant images of those weird little pieces of skin on your fingers. I propose we change these things so “cuticle” represents a cutely decorated cubicle, enhancing the work situation (at least in descriptions.)

Stomach = Food processor

Cash = Pay-per

This only makes sense. What do you do with cash other than pay for things? Sure, you might fold a $1 bill into an origami football to flick back and forth once in awhile, but otherwise you’re “paying” for things. Ergo, “pay-per.”

Shampoo = Hair freshener

Auto Body Mechanics = Dent-ists

Hello? How was this not a thing? While they have many jobs not related to external maintenance, they often tend to car dents. Therefore, they are technically dent-ists. You’re welcome.

Astronomers = Skyintists

Chiropractors = Crack Dealers

I adore my chiropractor but feel a little funny saying I go to the chiropractor, only because it kind of sounds a) pretentious, although the visits are medically necessary and b) like a dinosaur, which sounds cool but then disappointing when it’s a doctor and not a dinosaur. Plus, saying I have a crack dealer gives me street cred as a skinny Polish white girl.

Shoes = Foot Lockers

Gynecologist = Privates Investigators

I’m not sure this one needs an explanation, but I feel the new title more accurately describes the duties of these medical miners.

Looking at the list I guess it could be a little weird if someone saw you had appointments for a privates investigator and a crack dealer on the same day, but that’s what creepy people—henceforth known as “creeples”—get for snooping.

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24 responses to “A Missed Opportunity

  1. My next Dr. Appt, I am writing Private Investigator on the calendar!
    That will stir those under the same roof!!

  2. psychiatrist = brainiac

    pharmacist – farmer

    writer – hand model

  3. I had the same curiosities about grapefruit! I read that because grapefruits grow in bunches, they look on the tree like an oversized bunch of grapes. That being said, I’ve pulled grapefruits off of trees, and I didn’t think they looked like a bunch of grapes at all. But then again, I’ve seen lots of eggplants that look nothing like eggs… Maybe I’m just a contrarian? 😉

  4. Excellent points! What a fresh way to begin the day — thanks for the brain pump!

  5. Your mind is a weird and wonderful place!

  6. It’s true, yet I don’t know why that everything in french sounds ooh-la-la. At Christmas I made a dessert “pet-de-soeur” (pastry consisting of rolled pie dough, brown sugar and butter) But it translates to nun’s farts. Yet when I placed the dish on the table and told them what it was (in french, not english, nor in polish because i don’t speak that language) everybody oooh’d and aaaah’d. Until the translation followed through.

    Your wordventions need to be at the Urban Dictionary. Word. Yo.

  7. Our son is a pharmaceutical rep–we call him our “drug dealer”!!

  8. Creeples, my new go to word. Now I need one for those brainless human beings I work with. Idiotles just doesn’t roll off the tongue.

  9. I actually had the same mental debate about the color orange and the fruit. It is the only flavour/fruit that is also a color. Can you imagine if other flavors were just the name of their color? Happy Birthday, I made your favorite, brown cake! Somehow it just doesn’t sound as appitizing.

  10. Faux Pas is my fave. I love fooling with words and appreciate your wit, Abby. Peter Bowler has this excellent book The Superior Person’s Field Guide to Deceitful, Deceptive and Downright Dangerous Language. You might get a kick out of it;)

  11. Okay, okay…. I don’t laugh out loud often when reading blogs, but this had me doing just that. Love it! Thank you.

  12. Just LOL’d at “faux pas”. I call chiropractors Back Breakers and derms Pimple Poppers when I interview them. They don’t find this appealing.

  13. offendedblogger

    Love this! I just visited my privates investigator the other day and really need to see my crack dealer soon. Oy.

  14. Grapefruits are evil. I’m pretty sure they’re just using the grape name and dragging it through the mud… and making things sour.

  15. You know, I never thought about it before. I think the orange came first… 🙂

  16. I just read this entire post in a Seinfeld voice. “Who. Are. These People?”

  17. In a reverse version of this, at my son’s middle school, the lockers don’t lock, so they call them “ers.”

  18. I very much enjoyed reading this blog and i believe they came up with the colour orange first and then the fruit.

  19. In California(and by consequence, the world), we call cash paper not because we use it to pay for things, but because it is made of paper.

    Your welcome…

  20. Abby, you are missing your calling. Webster’s needs to bring you on because you make a lot more sense than some of their definitions. 🙂

    Sorry I’m late stopping by from the Humor Me! Blog Hop.

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