It has been brought to my attention—by myself—that it’s been quite some time since I’ve given something away, other than all of the content you read on this blog, Facebook and Twitter.
Oh! And the food I put out for the birds and bastard woodland creatures in my yard. Now that I think about it, I’m freaking Mother Teresa! Give me ALL the Nobel Peace Prizes!
Anyway, with Mother’s Day just around the corner and WordPress telling me this is my 500th post, it seemed like a great time to do just that.
So without further ado, I present to you the “Words to Your Mother” book giveaway full of cool stuff you should want. (Because I do, but I’m giving the good stuff to you. You. Are. Welcome.)
One signed copy—by me—of this collection of humorous essays from 37 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the Web who let me join in for some reason. Even my 65-year-old uncle loved it. It rocks.
One autographed hardcover edition of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches From Behind the Picket Fence by Peyton Price. One mom’s journey toward suburban assimilation, told in hilarious cringe-worthy haiku. In addition, you will also receive one Suburban Haiku book club tote bag, perfect for hauling your swag all over the neighborhood (or hiding wine. Whatever. I don’t judge.)
Humorist/writer Blythe Jewell explores things, life, whatnot through the prism of humor, poetry and illustration. This collection of more than 60 titles includes brilliant pieces like “Hair in My Ass Crack,” “Shut the F*&! Up About Twilight,” “Leave the F*&%$! Cat Alone” and many more.
One copy of the hilarious sequel to “This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store,” the bestselling “momoir” from A.K. Turner. From preschoolers blurting obscenities in public places to living with her in-laws in Mexico, “Mommy Had a Little Flask” delivers a delightfully raw and honest account of family life in Turner’s latest laugh-out-loud confessional.
In this collection of 21 short stories from the fabulous Kim Bongiorno, you will meet a troubled teenager, fallen princess, reunited lovers, creatures from afar and more. Funny, sexy, macabre, and heart wrenching, there’s something for everyone woven into these tales.
At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly True Tales of An Impending Miracle
From the moment her positive test result is revealed in a fog of canine flatulence to the day she’s gently hoisted onto the delivery table by a front-end loader, writer/humorist Paige Kellerman guides you through her pregnancy with twins, careful to only hold one of your hands in case you need to cover your eyes with the other.
Stacey Hatton from Nurse Mommy Laughs,will make you snort and giggle this Mother’s Day with the book, “I Just Want to Pee Alone,” a classic coffee mug to celebrate your Okay-ness and a Sir Perky (Curly Boner) Corkscrew—a trifecta of fun!
As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe becomes pregnant with twins in Asia’s sin city and finds herself dodging deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap. Then she and her husband move home to North American suburbia, where they face hilarious new challenges, such as the funeral she officiated for Stripper Barbie.
And to put the cherry on top of this swagaholic sundae, I will also add a signed copy of “Abby Still Has Issues.” This means I have to sign TWO things. Sigh…what I do for you people.
To qualify: You must be able to read, or know someone who is willing to read, to you, and live in the United States.
Required: There are three ways to enter, so you have three ways to win! First, leave a comment on this post—bad/good advice from a mom, the worst gift ever given/received, why I’m not Mother Teresa, etc.
Second, “like” the Facebook pages of any or all of the above contributors and then leave a comment telling me that you’ve done that (links are included in the descriptions above. One entry no matter how many pages you “like.” )
Finally, share this post via any social media channel you choose—or run around the neighborhood wearing a sandwich board, for all that I care—and leave a comment telling me that you’ve done that.
And if you do run around the neighborhood wearing a sandwich board, please send pictures.
The Winner will be chosen at random and notified via email after the giveaway closes at midnight on Monday, May 5. And if you don’t win this giveaway, go to Amazon, buy these books, review them and send me a thank you in the form of cash donations.
Good luck!
Abby Has Issues 
I fell at the first fence as I don’t know anyone who would want to read to me or live in the United States. Oh well
Sorry! It’s just for shipping purposes.
Totally understood ma’am ☺
I just love reading your blog and your facebook status updates, sometimes I think we share the same brain! I’m sure if you lived in Columbus Ohio, we’d be BFF’s (I hope that doesn’t sound like something a Stalker would say!). Fingers crossed that I win, I never win anything. If I can’t win this, cross your fingers that I win big when I go to the Racino with my Hubby on May 19th to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. Sorry I’m rambling!
The worst give I ever received was from my Secret Santa in college. She was a blind girl, so her cheap mother must have sent the gifts. I got a set of used scented soaps, shaped like roses.They had dust between the petals and were embedded with hair. Ugh!
I liked everyone above and shared this post on FB, Twitter, Pinterest and Google+. Now can this contest be over and can all the booty be mine???
Sigh. Not eligible. Curse shipping and handling. :((
I have to laugh when new moms tell me they are so in love with their new baby (which everyone is!) and how they do not see how anyone could not love their child. Just wait, I think to myself, until they are teenagers!!!
I liked you on Facebook (I thought I already did!)
My worst gift was an office chair that I hardly even got to use! I like everyone (in this give-away). I’ve shared on facebook because that’s how I roll. Oh! And I will share in real life–they’ll all want these books once I’ve told them!
This has to be the Mother of all give-a-ways I have ever seen!! And I qualify? (Looking around for falling tree’s)
1. Worst gift ever: Purple Mascara! (thanks Mom)
2. Bad Advice: Just wear the mascara to work. (again, Mom.. really)
3. You cannot be Mother Teresa. She’s dead. I see your posts!
Shared on facebook cause my street is already too crowded with people and their boards.
I remember when Peyton Places was a very racy book. I’m afraid I won’t qualify for your contest because I’m in Canada.
Leslie
Even though I attended Union with you… I can read, so Yay! I qualify! I liked your issues! (I like anyone with as many or more issues as myself!) 😉 ummm… Advice? Let’s see… You take the good, you take the bad… You take them both and there ya have… MOTHERHOOD!
Happy Mother’s Day & Happy 500th post!
I want all the things! And the last time I had sex with my husband we were locked in the bathroom while my five-year-old serenaded us outside the door. Does that count as advice? Hmmm. Anyway, liking and sharing!
Advice: Always buy the foot long at Subway…future you will thank you when it’s 3AM and the breastfeeding munchies hit. Not nursing anymore? Well, just call it a stroll down memory lane…
I follow you on Facebook, but I refuse to share the contest as it would mean more contestants and less of a chance of me winning the goodies. I’m smart like that. 😉
Congratulations on your 500th blog post. I love reading your posts; they have kept me sane and entertained during the last few months of ill health. You’re the tops!
I’m glad to see you pop back in. Hope you’re doing okay!
Best advice ever: Don’t go to bed mad (it’ll keep you up all night)
Worst advice ever: Don’t go to bed mad (you’ll be up fighting all night)
Ha! I suppose the happy medium is just to sleep alone.
Ok just went and liked those pages I hadn’t liked before. And how are you gonna ever get any sleep if you’re either mad or up fighting all night. This best/worst advice stuff is hard, yo!
Shared on FB on my Snarkfest page. Now I have to go lie down, because I’m tired just thinking about being up all night fighting or stewing
yay! I qualify!! I already like most everyone in the giveaway, and now I live a few more! I’ll share on facebook to get another entry – but don’t wanna…. like Erika said….!! But still better than the posterboard, our neighbourhood never forgets stuff like that!!
Wow!! What a giveaway. I agree–you ARE Mother Freaking Teresa!!! 😀
When my mother caught me smoking cigarettes at age 14 she told me that I had better do it in front of her and I had better inhale!
Maybe she thought if you knew that she liked it, you would decide that it was uncool? 😉
I can read! I can read! My mother’s “best” advice? “Always try on your shoes before you buy them.” And she wasn’t talking about shoes. I don’t think 😉
The worst gift I have ever received was the Star Wars trilogy for my birthday from my Star Wars loving significant other. Congrats on 500 posts!
Worst possible “advice” that was given to me as a new mom: When I had postpartum depression immediately following the birth of my first son, I was told to go take a nap and that I would feel fine. Apparently, there is no such thing as PPD, it’s just a thing that new moms use to take attention away from the baby.
Anywho, I “Liked” Abby Has Issues on Facebook, and shared this giveaway on Pinterest. 🙂
Are you serious? That is so ridiculous. Sigh. People are tedious.
Best advice I received as a mom: Marry an accountant. Oh, wait, I guess that was before I became a mom, but it still applies.
Also, I liked TWO of these pages on Facebook (yours, and Paige Kellerman’s), and posted the giveaway on Pinterest. Boom.
Boom!
Best advice “it’s always a phase”
God, I hope so.
I liked you on FB!
I shared this post!
This momma here needs a win!!!
And what do you mean you aren’t mother Theresa?! Of COURSE you are… Don’t be so hard on yourself 😉
I liked your Facebook page!
Worst gift is actually my husband’s experience but it’s just so priceless I have to share it: One Christmas he received from his mother the tie he’d bought his father the previous Father’s Day. Whoops!
Awkward!
Shared, liked, tweeted, etc. Best line to use on your kids: “Someday I hope you have a kid just like you.” Karma worked for my mom. ;0)
Worst gift ever was a book of “The 1,000 Dirtiest Jokes You’ll Ever Tell” from my father in law. Uh…yeah. I’m thinking of regifting it to my Mother. Bad Mothers Day gift? The thing is, she’ll love it AND she’ll tell the jokes!
I’ve liked, I’ve shared, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried…I remain hopeful!
The worst Mother’s Day gift I’ve ever received was an Easy-Bake Oven. I think my sons gave it to me because a) they thought I could improve my cooking skills by starting with the basics or b) they wanted smaller portions of my crappy meals or c) they wanted to know how the oven worked, but didn’t want to ask for one, so they gave it to me. That explains the Barbie they gave me for my birthday a few months later.
I’ve liked all of the author pages and tweeted about the contest. 🙂
Congrats on your 500th post!
I can read but I’m not located in the USA. However, if you’ll have me, and I win, I will send this book to a friend as a surprise gift. Because nothing says surprise like a surprise.
Besos, Sarah
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
I have liked all the pages!
My best parenting advice is don’t trust Mother Nature. I had four kids in four years. She has a funny sense of humor.
Liked the pages!
Shared on Facebook
The worst advice I ever got was by my own mom. Who said, “all of the children in our family are natural born swimmers.” And then she tossed my two year old in our pool. Where she had to be rescued. She was weary of my mother for months.
I’ve also shared this. Cause my street is a little sketchy. And I don’t like my neighbors enough for them to know of this great deal, via my sandwich board.
I already like a bunch of those bloggers and I just shared this on facebook.
Thought id share my worse gift: I was in 2nd grade and was opening up my christmas present from my great grandma while my dad had the video camera rolling. It was a training bra from like 1970. It had a nasty floral print and was just plain old creepy.
My mom never gave me a bad gift. However, she had a habit of holding off on the things I wanted until it was almost past history. She didn’t think they were appropriate for a girl, I guess. Oh, well, she was a cool mom anyway.
Parenting advice – I agree with Beth: Don’t Trust Mother Nature – in fact, there’s a book out called Mother Nature is Trying to Kill You. So there.
Shared on Facebook, too.
Liked the pages! I want a prize!
The worst advice I ever got from a mom happened last week. My mother told me I should enjoy my work traveling and keep reaching for the corporate ladder high rung, in front of my 10-year-old daughter. She just shrugged, and said “we like having daddy at home writing books”.
You win parenting.
Bad gift received= pink polyester night gown with hand painted cat on it. Lol. Ugh.
Liked on Facebook!
I’m not mom of the year right now because I told my kids I would go back to being their mom after I graduate Saturday…till then, they can wing it! You are my hero!!
Probably the worst gift I ever received was from my ex (yay!) mother-in-law. It was a bag she got free when she purchased her husband’s cologne.
I done tweeted about it. Shout me back.
That’s what I get for not checking for new shit from you EVERY DAY! Lesson learned…the force is not strong in this one…boo. (But I still love you!)
Damn! I spaced this out and missed the deadline.
Great idea though. Loved reading the comments.