Dear Tooth Fairy: Get It Together

A text I got from my mom the other day that might give you a bit of insight into my early command of authority:

“I was cleaning out some drawers of mine and found a note you wrote the Tooth Fairy. OMG. You were so direct and authoritative. Made me laugh. Then cry. Thank you for being a wonderful weirdo.”

I had to investigate.

On a little 3-by-3-inch piece of paper was the following, word for word, scratched out in pencil:

Dear Tooth Fairy,

Hello again.

You need to know that this tooth was really a pin in the butt! I could twist it all the way around!! It was a lot of work!!!

Please leave the money under my pillow and sign your name on the line below:
X____________________________________

The pencil is on my desk. Please don’t use my purple pen. It’s my favorite.

Have a good night!

Let’s “workshop” this, shall we?

I like how I conveyed a sense of familiarity with the addition of “again” to my  hello. Then I get right to the point, telling her the necessary information surrounding the situation and the effort I had put forth to extract said tooth.

I also think it was a nice touch the way I built up the emotion with progressively more exclamation points each time.

Then I rounded things out with the call to action and verification of her status —money under pillow, sign on the line, avoid purple pen—to clear up any confusion, before politely wishing her well on the remainder of her rounds.

Yes, I am a wonderful weirdo.

However, so are the kids in this post I wrote for 22 Words  based off my own Tooth Fairy note. She has some high expectations to meet.

And while you’re there, here are a couple more of the gazillions of things I wrote over there I thought you might enjoy.

This Animal Shelter Has a Brilliant Strategy to Find Homes for Their Pups

30 Ridiculous Kitchen Gadgets You Want In Your Life (I want the Sushi Bazooka or Tex the Armadillo)

25 Fun “Frozen” Facts, Including Silly Mistakes and a Hilarious Note in the Credits

Bacon Lovers Unite! 35 Fun and Ridiculous Bacon Products (yes, I’m a vegan who wrote about bacon)

28 Brilliant Food Hacks that Will Make You a Kitchen Genius (Sorry this is multi-page. It’s annoying, but they’re looking into fixing some issues.)

32 Insane Baseball Foods That Put Peanuts and Cracker Jacks to Shame

Before you go, I have to bring it back to me—it’s all about ME—and warn you that putting a bra under your pillow like you do teeth for the Tooth Fairy will NOT result in waking up with big boobs. Highly disappointing, but I guess that’s adulthood.

Happy Reading!

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Some News and Some Links

I’ve been waiting almost four months to write this post and now I’m not quite sure what I should say so I’ll just blurt out that I finally have a new job!

While it’s a contractor position and nothing is permanent (and I’m creating scenarios in my head that don’t exist because I have so much to learn,) I’ve been brought on as a full-time Writer and Viral Content Creator at 22 Words—a site I’ve been freelancing for for the past couple of weeks. 

What is 22 Words, you ask?  

This Esquire story is a couple of years old, it interviews the creator and explains it better than I probably can. Basically it’s ranked among one of the top viral aggregations sites online with millions of page views a day and shares everything funny, heartfelt and relevant to every type of reader.

The difference between 22 Words and other sites is that it’s run by a relatively small staff, meaning there’s always that human angle and it’s not nearly so corporate or bland. Yay!

Anyway, I’m going to be writing there full-time, and to say I’m thrilled would be an understatement. Of course I will have much more to say on this whole journey, but right now I need some time to gather up my thoughts and settle into a new routine and reflect a bit. Plus, now I’m freaking busy. 

Deal? Deal.

This picture has nothing to do with anything, but the page needed some color. 

What does that mean for this blog? Not much. I promise not to completely skimp out on you and am sure I’ll have ridiculous insights and lame attempts at humor just as much as I have in the past here and on Facebook and Twitter.

And even though I would love for all of you to follow 22 Words on Facebook or check the site on a daily basis, I also know that’s not possible for everyone.

So I think once a week—maybe Sundays—I’ll do a quick recap post of what I wrote over there during the week so that you can click on the links and read my stuff and I can keep my job.

But humor aside, I’m still completely humbled, not just by the support everyone has shown me here but by the whole experience. It’s far from over and I still have a lot of uncertainty in the future, but at least I’m waking up every morning now excited to work, excited to see what else I can do and being rewarded for my efforts with respect.

I think that’s the big thing right there. So far I have been nothing but impressed with the people there and am excited to work with them going forward–and you know I don’t just say things to say things. 

Anyway, I’ll try and get my thoughts together in the next couple of weeks, but for today…yay!

And here’s what I’ve got for you to read. Like I said, I have two or three posts go up there every day–including some on dog restaurants, infomercial products and inappropriate children’s books in the next week, among others– so I would advise you to stalk the site when possible and share my stuff.

Deal? Deal.

The Fun Stories Behind 40 Famous Company Names

25 Dollar Store Hacks to Make Every Parent’s Life Easier

The Foodnited States of America

15 Brilliantly Creative Ways to Use Leftover Wine

16 Versions of Normal Animals That Prove Mother Nature is Drunk

Vince Vaughn is Promoting His New Movie By Posing in Hilarious Stock Photos

15 Unexpected Ways Your House is Trying to Make You Sick

15 Sneaky Ways Grocery Stores Try and Control Your Mind and Your Money

Meet the Funniest Russian Brother-In-Law on the Internet

The First Covers of 30 Famous Magazines

And of course, thank you again. 

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Letting Go

I hesitate to even write about my unemployment situation again because above everything else, I like to keep things light here. It’s a blog, not a diary.

But it’s also impossible to ignore the stress, the panic attacks and the uncertainty that I deal with every day and that some of you might relate to. Plus, people have asked, so funny next time but an update today.

Imagine being stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark hole with no idea how you’re going to make your way out. There are times you can see the sun up above and feel the rays on your face, but yet you are still down in that hole, surrounded by nothing but darkness on every side.

Friends and family walk by and offer heartfelt advice and encouragement, sometimes throwing a rope down to try and pull you back up. Grateful, you eagerly grab a hold of both the literal and figurative lifeline, only to find that it’s not strong enough and eventually you crash back down.

You try and remember that the next rope that gets thrown your way could be the one that saves you, but not knowing when that might be—or if it will ever show up, for that matter—makes looking up pretty hard.

It’s exhausting.

It’s disheartening.

It’s unemployment.

The thing is, I’m someone who functions best when I’m productive and creative. When I get on a roll—whether it’s just tweets, a blog post or something professionally—I feel great. I feel useful. I feel productive.

One of the biggest frustrations with unemployment—aside from not making money, of course—is that I don’t have anywhere to really focus all of that creative energy. Granted, hours of my day are often spent sending out emails, researching job boards and trying to find something new, but I’m a big fan of instant gratification. Work hard—see results.

Well, it’s been two months and yeah…not so much.

Every time I open my email or see a new posting, my heart lifts before dropping down. There have been several occasions when I was certain that I would be a perfect fit for the job, only to be greeted with a rejection, or even worse, nothing at all. 

This uncertainty is new for me.

I don’t like it.

Even though I know things could be so much worse, I’ll be honest and say there have been some pretty dark days. And as much as I appreciate the support, I find myself uncharacteristically envious of people with jobs or spouses to financially help them out, and I hate that. I find myself wondering if I’m doing something—or everything—wrong, and why just one thing can’t go my way, and I feel selfish.

I feel like I’m fighting a battle on every side. Much like a Saturday afternoon in Walmart, it’s not very attractive. It’s also not very much fun, and a pretty big creativity buzzkill.

And so this is where I add in the “hopeful” part and say there are two ways that all this can go—I can cling to how I want things to be or I can adjust to how things are now. When we cling to things—whatever those things are— we struggle. When we grasp at what we want or think we want, we suffocate it. When we identify with a list of “should,” we always fall short in the end.

So, I’m trying to let go—to some of the doubt, expectations, guilt, attachment to results and the idea that my next path needs to be a straight line.

Some days it’s really hard, but I know the next rope that gets thrown my way could be the one that saves me. Or it could conk me in the head because I was distracted by something shiny down in that hole. But for the most part, I’m more than ready to grab on.

And it starts with letting go.

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Darcy of “So Then Stories” Has Issues

I will assume you’ve all caught up on your movie watching and are ready to spend the rest of your time reading the blog of the second to last blogger to be a part of my Blogger Issues series–Darcy of So Then Stories.

You can read the specifics here, but basically she’s lived all over the world, was taught French with a Southern accent, has worked everywhere from Fortune 500 companies to small entrepreneurial firms and doesn’t use real names when she blogs. 

That’s a sign that she has some good stories. 

Name:          Darcy Perdu

Blog:              So Then Stories 

Where and why do you write?

On my yacht, in the nude, of course.

OK, the real answers:

The Where:  I write in my home office, in between juggling outrageous demands from my clients, coworkers and kids.  (Does “home office” mean that I participate in conference calls while still in my pajamas, eating ice cream, checking Facebook, and occasionally chiming in with a well-placed “very synergistic!” and “that’ll really resonate with our key demo!”  Why, yes.  Yes, it does.)

The Why:  One of my favorite things to do is pull up a bar stool and swap hilarious stories with my friends about embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships and the ever-perplexing public.  Each story reminds someone of a SIMILAR funny tale, so the stories and laughs just keep rolling. I wanted to create a site where I could share my bodacious blunders and funny stories – then encourage readers to post their RELATED stories so we can all entertain each other.  So I started SoThenStories.com – and I LOVE reading the comments on the blog – those people crack me up DAILY.

 First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

 Ryan Gosling, stop hogging the sheets! 

 Then I really wake up.  And have a moment of sadness ‘cuz I really miss that damn sheet-hogger.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

It’s frustrating that my blogger buddies and I create such cool comedic/compelling content, virtually for free – for readers who enthusiastically follow our Facebook blog pages because they want to READ those posts – but Facebook only SHOWS our postings to a TINY percentage of our followers.  What the hell, Facebook?  So to all the awesome readers out there who enjoy blogs, please subscribe by email to the blogs – or mark “Get Notifications” on the Facebook pages of your favorite bloggers  so you can enjoy all the fabulous nonsense we post!   

Editor’s note: You know my feelings on this. Amen.

Three websites you visit every day.

German Dungeon Porn.  Swedish Dungeon Porn.  Cats Who Solve Mysteries. But when I’m on porn/cat overload, I visit Facebook, NetFlix, and lots of blog sites of funny bloggers, including Abby Has Issues.

Another note: I didn’t even pay her to say that (the porn part, not a mention of this blog.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Admittedly lacking in culinary prowess, I nonetheless once asked my daughter what her favorite dish is that I make.  She hemmed and hawed, stalled and stammered, then finally said, “Well, you open a mean can of corn.”

So I guess that’s a talent I probably wouldn’t mention on a resume:  Expert Corn Can Opener.

Me again: Unless that was the job you were applying for. There might be a market—you never know.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

No bullies.  No wars, poverty, or illness.  No calories.  Ice cream for everybody!

 You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

1) Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk paired with Baskin-Robbins Pralines & Cream

2) PF Chang’s Mongolian Beef & Chang’s Spicy Chicken & Garlic Snap Peas

3) Maggiano’s Lobster Carbonara featuring angel hair pasta, lobster, smoked bacon, snap peas & garlic cream sauce

*Please note snap peas figure prominently in two of the three meals.  HEALTH FOOD FOR THE WIN!

 The last thing you Googled?  

“Comparative penis sizes of populations indigenous to New Guinea vs. Trinidad.” But that might be a little TMI, so let’s go with “decorative bath mats at BedBathandBeyond.com.”

 What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply? 

Can I please send you $10,000 in small bills and craft a macramé potholder in your likeness? 

Why yes, yes you may, Abby.  How perfectly delightful of you.   My kitchen colors are white and green so please plan accordingly. 

So there you have So Then Stories! (See what I did there?) Anyway, go check out her blog and her Facebook page after answering the question below because no one ever answers the question even though sharing is caring:

Who is the celebrity you would never kick out of bed for spilling crumbs or hogging the sheets?

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P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Rebecca from “Frugalista Blog” Has Issues

I prefer to say that I’m not cheap, I’m frugal—both financially and emotionally, if we’re being honest—so it makes sense that a blog called “Frugalista” would capture my attention.

Well, today’s blogger spilling her issues is THE Frugalista and also a co-writer in two of the anthologies I’m in—“I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth.”

She describes her blog as being “confessions of a middle aged drama queen, stuck in the burbs, running to PTA meetings and scooping cat poop. It’s a glamorous life. Join me.”

Minus the PTA meetings and scooping cat poop, we’re practically twins. Well, except she is married, has kids, is gorgeous and actually wears makeup. I guess what I’m saying is we’re both drama queens who live in the suburbs—frugally. 

Name: Rebecca Tipper Gallagher

Blog: Frugalista Blog (It’s a stupid name because it sounds weird to my ears when I say it. When folks ask me what it’s called, I always have to repeat myself.)

Where, what and why do you write?

I write on my couch with my laptop and my dog next to me. Sometimes my cat sits on the back of my couch judging me. He doesn’t cuddle, just sleeps from afar. I write about whatever suits me, which can be complaining about my husband, sharing my opinion regarding an issue or sharing beauty tips and makeup deals. I like to keep it funny and real. So sometimes I show myself topless or in Spanx. Why I write is mostly to entertain myself and embarrass my family.

 First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Is this when Madonna does her yoga? I heard she does yoga first thing in the morning and before she goes to bed. I can barely get my feet to move down the stairs to the kitchen to make my tea. Of course, maybe if I did the yoga, I would feel better.

 What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

If we’re talking ‘global issue’ it would have to be human trafficking, which is not a joking matter. If we’re talking close to home, I’m pretty irritated with myself that I still have a roasting pan of baked penne in the back of my fridge that I’m too scared to clean out.

Three websites you visit every day.

Is this a trick question? Does social media count because there’s about four of those. So, Facebook. Duh. Yahoo, because I need my news BUT I like a bit of pop culture mixed in. Pinterest. Twitter. And Sephora. That’s more than three. Sorry.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

*Wink, wink.* I’ll let my husband answer that. *eyebrow raises*

Editor’s note: I think she means replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom, right?

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would make dental care for old people free of charge. Why is it that old people who need dental work never can afford insurance? It’s horrible. Also, I would make Tuesdays free donut days. I think everyone would be happier with free donuts in their lives.

And, I would ban leaf blowers. When I see six yard guys at the apartment complex down the street blowing leaves all over the place at the same time and it’s a windy day, it chaps my hide.

Who would play you in the movie of your life?

If the movie is portraying my life now, I would say Amy Poehler. I think she would do it incredible justice. If the movie is portraying me as a younger version, I would pick Emma Stone because she is so gosh darn cute. And I would like to think that in my 20s, I was that cute too.

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Oh that’s easy because I only eat about five things a week. Is this like a Cambodian prison thing three things? Or like if I was at Martha Stewart’s for a week? I would have a seafood Louis salad, donuts and granola.

 The last thing you Googled?

Porn. Just kidding. It was water heater companies sadly.

Me again: If you say it with air quotes, it can maybe sound a bit sexy…? “Water” “heater” “company” *wink wink*

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

What do you think are more overrated? Unicorns or Mermaids? And I would answer mermaids. I don’t see the big deal over a woman or man who has no legs. I don’t know where the babies come out, or how the babies are made and it confuses me.

Deep thoughts, my friend. Deep thoughts. Now it’s your turn to go check out her blog after you answer our question:

What food would you want given away free every Tuesday?

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Alyson of “The Shitastrophy” Has Issues

The name of the blog of today’s blogger spilling her issues should serve as a warning that if mild profanity upsets you, you should slowly back away for today.

(Waits a few seconds for the nuns and toddlers who most certainly read my blog to leave…)

With that said, she’s the shit. No, literally. That’s part of the name of her blog–The Shitastropy–a place she writes about her family, her life and the moments in time that leave her thinking “You can’t make this shit up.”

But another thing she writes about is mental illness, a subject you know that I know a few things about (unfortunately.) However, I’m so excited for her—and jealous, but whatever—because she is working on an anthology, “Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor,” that will be available March 2015.

They’ve compiled 38 poignant and hysterical pieces “to show people that they are not alone. Our hope is to mimic the real life ups and downs of mental illness and let others know that they will laugh again, that there is hope and that as bleak as moments are, there are options.” In addition, each author has selected a charity to support and highlight in their area.

 And that, my friends, is the shit.

Name:  Alyson, but I typically go by Jillian’s or Jake’s mom to the younger crowd

Blog:    The Shitastrophy

Where, what and why do you write?

Where: In my utopia—my office. This year I waited until my husband went away on a two-week trip (I’m no fool; better to ask for forgiveness than permission) and I had our office completely redone. New floors, painted all the dark woodwork white, new paint on the walls. Everything. It is now my Zen, and it has doors – that I keep shut. It sure as hell beats my old office, which was the kitchen table.

What: I mostly do sarcastic adult humor. I have no problem dropping in a rogue f-bomb if the situation calls for it. Sometimes there is no better word.

Why: Well, if I didn’t I would lose my damn mind. It is very therapeutic for me to let out all these crazy weird thoughts. I swear I am a walking Seinfeld episode.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

How much longer can I sleep before I really really have to get up? Two minutes? I’ll take it.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

I have numerous unfinished projects around my house that I am paying someone to complete and yet the person is missing in action all.the.time.

Three websites you visit every day.

I’m giving you categories because I am an overachiever:

1. The big three of social media: Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.
2. The big three of news: CNN, Huffington Post, Bloomberg
3. The big three of humor: Buzzfeed, College Humor, The Onion

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Actually I am very skilled at making resumes and often tapped by friends to make theirs. I have yet to design one that didn’t get the person the job they wanted. Oh, and I am really good at organizing. I can look at shit and figure out where to put it like a game of Jenga. You would never know this looking at my house, because, well…kids.

(Editor’s note to self: Send Alyson resume for position of someone who gets paid to blog and taste-test hummus in yoga pants from my couch.)

Favorite place to be?

The ocean. I grew up at the Jersey Shore. I love the sound of the waves, the sea gulls (as long as they don’t sh*t on me – which happened once) and putting my feet in the warm sand.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would say any asshat that gets in the right-hand lane and doesn’t turn right should lose their license. Also, I feel very strongly that the speed limit on all four-lane roads should be 45 MPH. I am also going with the law that people who hurt kids should go to jail forever – no chance for parole.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Given the holiday season, what are your favorite and least favorite Thanksgiving foods?

I actually hate, as in despise, turkey. This causes an issue on a day dedicated to turkey. When I was younger there were always pasta options because my mom’s side (who we spent the holiday with) are Italian. Now my in-laws host Thanksgiving, but they have a honey baked ham that I love. As for my favorite, well my husband’s Aunt Diane’s pumpkin bars are phenomenal and I eat like 4 or 5 and take some to go every year.

What superficial thing are you most thankful for?

My car. It’s not fancy, it’s a minivan, but if I had to walk places I would totally hate it. I will search a parking lot for 20 minutes to get a primo spot right up front. Sure, I realize I could have parked in the back nine and walked in five times by then, but it’s the thrill of the quest and the fact that I’m lazy.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Favorite thing – sleep followed up closely by coffee and beer.

So there you have it. Go check her out and see you back here next post!

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Noa from “Oh Noa” Has Issues

The blogger spilling her issues today had made an appearance on this blog many times, but super secret like some super secret spy ninja.

You see, Noa from Oh Noa is the chairwoman, founder and super secret spy ninja leader of “The League of Funny Bit*ches Council” that I am proud to be part of.

In addition to pretending to be my friend, Noa inspires (commands) me to put away the snark for at least one post a month and put on my serious face—a face that basically says, “Resting bit*ch face is really a thing”—and write about her monthly focus topic.

So in some way if you haven’t read her blog before, you already kind of know Noa. And the best part? You can blame her for the crap that I put on this blog at least once a month.

Win-win!

At any rate, here she is in all her glory.

Name: Noa Dangerballs Gavin

Blog: Ohnoa.com, Oh Noa and The League Of Fu*#in’ Bitches

Where, what and why do you write?

I can write pretty much anywhere, but mostly at my coffee table, sitting on the floor like I’m living in Japan and not sad in Texas. I write a lot of different things: comedy sketches, inspirational things, journals, short stories, novels. I’M A DABBLER. I write because it’s honestly the only thing that keeps me sane. I associate with the world through stories, so without them, I feel very alone.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

I want an effin’ taco.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Women’s rights to make me sound cool (and also because people freaking hate women and that shit needs to stop.) The biggest one I faced today was the fact that chip companies cannot seem to standardize the taste of a barbecue potato chip, and screw that.

Three websites you visit every day.

Cracked, Listverse, Slate.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I was once in a bizarre sort-of-fight-club when I worked at Best Buy. I worked for another huge corporation within Best Buy and I got to be friends with some guys who were fighters, and I wished I was. So, one night we got drunk at one of their houses and they said, “Let’s start a fight club,” because that’s what drunk white boys do. So we did-and I wasn’t terrible. I lost, of course, and ended up with ALL the bruises, but I didn’t back down.

(Editor’s note: Umm…I got nothin’ with this one.)

Favorite place to be?

Outside on a warm patio with a cool breeze, a beer and a cigar and no mosquitoes. Preferably by an ocean. Or lake. River. Pond. A general feeling of water.

(Another editor’s note: I’m no expert, but if you’re looking for an escape from mosquitoes, you probably want to avoid the water when it’s warm outside. Then again, maybe the cigar smoke would ward them off? Carry on as you were…)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

1) Everyone retakes the driver’s license exam every 10 years. You fail, you lose it forever. Driving is a privilege, not a right. People are so, so terrible at driving and I am tired of watching out for others on the roads.

2) Outlawed focus groups for movies and TV. They’ve done too much damage to the world of entertainment.

3) All grocery stores deliver. I hates it.

(Another note: 1) Yes, except I could be the exception. 2) Let’s just ban groups in general. For everything. 3) Considering I live at the grocery store, I can’t believe we’re friends.)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Animated? Attack on Titan or Fullmetal Alchemist. Not-Animated? Top Gear. I want a chance at The Stig.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

I just moved, so best: food. Worst: non-food item that I cannot ID.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Do you love tacos? OH MY GOD I LOVE TACOS SO MUCH, ABBY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TACOS ARE? TINY MEXICAN SANDWICHES THAT CRUNCH AND ARE SPICY. YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN A TACO WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. TACOS ARE THE SPIRIT OF MY LIFE.

Well there you have it. A taco-loving, punch-throwing feminist with unidentifiable food in her fridge and mystery bruises. Go show her some love after playing our little game:

Tacos are to Noa as (insert food of choice here) are to you. And…go!

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Nicole from “Moms Who Drink and Swear” Has Issues & a Giveaway

Today you’re in for a real treat, as this week’s blogger has more than 1 million Facebook fans—yes, I said 1 million in a Dr. Evil voice—but is still completely down to earth despite the picture she sent me below.

In her own words, she is “gently and consistently offensive, but tenderhearted! I mean no harm, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be harmed by something I write. However, since I’m only responsible for what I write, not what you understand or how you interpret what I write, harm is a subjective term, so you could feel harmed, even though I told you that I mean no harm.”

Amen, sister. Amen.

But more than a blogger, best-selling author and Facebook freak, she’s also a mental health professional with two advanced degrees – one in psychology, the other in gerontology—and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor working part-time in private practice.

Given my own issues with mental health, this make me love her even more in a “non-creepy-but-I-will-stalk-from-a-distance” kind of way. I’m certain that once you read below, enter a giveaway for a FREE copy of her book that I’m jealous someone will win and then go check her out, you will become a stalker as well.

Restraining orders, be damned.

Name: Nicole Knepper, but I like to be called Sugar Tits

(Editor’s note: Who doesn’t?)

Blog: Moms Who Drink And Swear

Where, what and why do you write?

I write profanity-laced brain seepage all over the plan, but specifically on my blog and on Chicago Now. I like to write at McD’s and at home snuggled up with my wieners.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

I want coffee and I wonder if one of the dogs took a shit under the piano bench, and if so, what is the consistency of the shit?

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Myself. Always myself. I am chasing the fantasy that someday I’ll be able to manage my time.

Three websites you visit every day.

Chicago Tribune, Wall Street Journal, Vice

(Editor’s note again: By “Wall Street Journal,” I assume she means my blog. The two are easily confused.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I see auras. I’m not even f#cking kidding. It’s like energy coming off a person. I can just see and feel it and then I can work my own energy to make the interaction work.

Favorite place to be?

By the water. Not the bathtub or shower water or doing dishes or laundry water, but a body of water like the ocean or a lake.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Oooohh. I think I would have a silent day. If people wanted to communicate, they would have to write down stuff. It would make people think a bit more about what comes out of their brains and why.

(Another editor’s note: sign me up)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I want to be a corpse on a crime show and I want the backstory to be grisly and puzzling.

(Fun fact: I once went to a Halloween party in Chicago and Gary Sinise (from CSI: NY and Forrest Gump) and his band, the Lt. Dan Band, were the entertainment. I miss CSI: NY. OK. Back to Nicole.)

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best – Meyer lemon raspberry jam. Worst – Celery in the beginning stages of rot.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you had asked me if my mother was a hamster or if my father smelled of elderberries. I would have answered in the affirmative, because of flesh wounds.

(Last note: I had no idea what she was talking about, but apparently it’s a Monty Python reference everyone knows but me. Let’s move on.)

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Because she is so tenderhearted, she has offered to give away a copy of her book, “Moms Who Drink and Swear” to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents with a sense of humor and a random winner will be drawn on Tuesday morning and notified via email.

Since there are a few movie references in this post, what’s a movie quote that you use all the time?

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Kate from “Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine” Has Issues

By now you know the deal. It’s Friday, which means I’m renting out this space to other writers who you should stalk so that I don’t look creepy doing it alone. Today we have someone I consider to be “Twitter Elite.”

What do I mean?

I mean she has more than 11,000 followers on Twitter. Yes, 11,000. I don’t have 11,000 of anything, other than possibly blog post drafts I’ve deleted or brilliant ideas that go down the shower drain the second I turn off the water.

Anyway, that number is impressive and well-deserved. Here’s Kate!

Name: Kate Hall

Blog: Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Where, what and why do you write?

I write (mostly) humor in the form of blog posts, tweets and memes. I guess I write to make people laugh and to keep myself sane. It’s probably healthier to say, “I’m going to blog or tweet about this,” than to get mad about. Although typically I still get mad, but it still makes for a good post/tweet. I try to write posts that are honest and funny that people can connect with. I just ended that sentence with a preposition, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Anyway, I write wherever I can find a place to sit with a notepad. It’s pretty random – in bed, at Barnes & Noble, at the park, in the car, etc. – occasionally at the computer.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

I wonder if I have any Twitter or Facebook notifications on my phone?

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Where to eat out for dinner. That was an issue the night I first answered this question, but not anymore. We ate Mexican food and had big margaritas. I forgot about that issue.

Three websites you visit every day.

Twitter, Facebook, my weather app on my phone. Does that count as a website?

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Blowing bubbles off my tongue and juggling. I’ve vlogged myself doing both.

Favorite place to be?

Outside on a warm beach, sitting under a canopy of palm trees swaying in a soft breeze while I listen to the waves roll off the ocean and sip frozen raspberry margaritas. There, or in bed watching Netflix.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Everybody should watch Netflix. It’s made my life calmer and more pleasant. I’m a happier person thanks to Netflix. It’s how I escape. Escapism is pretty awesome.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

That Wipeout show where the contestants run through the obstacle courses. That show makes me laugh out loud. I’d love to try it. I’d suck at it, but it would be fun.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best: Strawberry margarita in a bottle.

Worst: Tomatoes that were overripe and were being attacked by fruit flies, so I put them in the fridge while I was gone over the weekend and now they’re even more disgusting and I should have just thrown them in the trash, but they were from my garden and I didn’t want to throw away something I grew because things I grow are like my “precious”…ya know?

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

You could ask: Do you have anything new you’re working on? Why yes, I do, Abby, thank you for asking.

I’m revamping my blogs so that I will have a landing page for everything I write/do. It will link to my three blogs: My humor blog (CanIGetAnotherBottleofWhine.com), my gardening with humor blog (currently at katewhinehall.wordpress.com, soon to be ITrytoGrowStuff.com), and a blog devoted to Twitter (soon to be BottleofTweets.com). All humor blogs, but with different foci. Is foci a word? I’m hoping to have this set up in the next week or so.

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Your turn to play along. Since she’s the Twitter queen and Twitter is all about brevity, sum up your week in six words or less.

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Rach from “RachRiot” Has Issues

Do you hate bras? Cooking fancy meals? People with no sense of humor? Then this Friday’s blogger sharing their issues—Rachael of RachRiot—is your new best friend/wine-drinking sister wife of sorts.

If you’re on Facebook, you need to join the tens of thousands who “like” her page so you can participate in not just her witty updates, but also:

White Trash Wednesday: A day in which Rach asks, “How often have you been whipping up a canned meat masterpiece and thought to yourself, ‘Golly, I just wish I could keep my sauce and meat from mingling!’ Well, aim that sack o’ sauce right here- wait, what? Um…because it’s WHITE TRASH WEDNESDAY!! Tear off that apron and join me for a cocktail and confess your latest “white trash” creation.”

Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like. But seeing as I’m a vegan not interested in mystery meat creations, I choose to participate in:

The Sunday Saggeth: A day in which Rach encourages people to ditch the over –the-shoulder-boulder-holder and join her floppy flock: “It is our high holy day, it is THE SAGGETH. Let us honor this day and do what is right and just- keep yourself unburdened by bras as I have commanded. I raise my hands skyward as my breasts hang floorward. Shout freedom! Free at last!”

Preach it, woman. So without further ado—or a bra—I present Rachael.

Name: Rachael Hebert Pavlik

Blog: Rach Riot

Where, what and why do you write?

I write humor, and according to my mother I’m very, very talented and have such a pretty face. I’m coming to you now from my secret lair, which looks a lot like my dining room table. Why do I write? Because my therapist is no longer returning my emails.

Along with my blog, I’ve written for Houston Family Magazine, Aiming Low, List Of The Day blog and also co-authored the best-selling anthology, “I Just Want To Pee Alone.”

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

F#ck you, daylight.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Right now? These underwear I have on. I won’t even call them “panties” because that connotes something sexy, and these draws are somewhere above my belly button, right around my rib cage. Sounds comfy (and sexy) but it’s not. It’s annoying. Maybe because I’m also wearing low-rise jeans. It’s a good look. Did I say sexy?

Three websites you visit every day.

Facebook, my blog (to see if magic literary fairies have written a blog for me as I slept — it could happen) and then, um…I usually Google something unspeakable. If anything ever happens to me, please erase my history and burn my laptop before the police come, OK? Thanks.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

The uncanny ability to offend large groups of people with a single sentence. My best work is usually on a speaker phone while your kids listen in.

(Editor’s note: If my internal dialogue was on speaker phone, I would be totally screwed.)

Favorite place to be?

George Clooney’s summer villa on Lake Como, Italy

(Editor’s note again: See you there! We can plane pool, which is like car pooling but in a plane, obviously.)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would do away with all restraining orders, because George Clooney is an overreactive paranoid freak sometimes. He’s so silly!

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Graham Norton or Drunk History, because duh. I’d also like to be one of Oprah’s gurus on Super Soul Sunday. Also duh.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Hmmm…I have an impressive collection of pepper jellies, some of them botulism flavor. The best? Booze, of course.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

You didn’t ask anything about my boobs and I don’t feel they get the attention they deserve! Jeeze. They are real and they’re spectacular. Thanks for asking!

(Final editor’s note: I purposely didn’t ask about your boobs because you have boobs and I don’t and that’s probably why I have issues so THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.)

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At any rate, be sure to check her out and show her some love—or some wine. I think she’s partial to the latter.

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