Tag Archives: Grinch

Even the Grinch Has Issues

The holidays are “the most wonderful time of the year” for a lot of people, but what about the post-holiday season when all the hype has died down? While many settle back into normal routines, there are a few people that find this time of year to be even more difficult.


They're demanding figgy pudding. They won't go until they get some. What do I do- Call the cops- I'm calling the cops.

After weeks of being in the spotlight, they’re suddenly erased from the minds of the public for another 11 long months. Needless to say, a round of therapy is in order.

Patient Name: Little Drummer Boy

Session Notes: Possible abandonment issues coupled with concern over money has manifested itself into OCD, as LDB sat on the couch “pa rum pum pum pum-ing” on the table with a pencil throughout the entire session.

Talked of his willingness to follow three “wise” men without parental guidance. Expressed concern over lack of money and having no gifts to bring and asked to put his name on the card of the wise man who brought gold because he “had no idea what Frankincense or Myrrh are.”

Interested in starting a boy band like One Direction and naming it North Star. We’re working through this one.

Patient Name: Rudolph

Session Notes: Self-esteem issues evident by eagerness to guide the sleigh of seasonal employer (who was initially freaked out by his “abnormal” nose) after being told he would never join the flying reindeer team (a team that teased him mercilessly and refused to let him join in any reindeer games.)

This, combined with the fact his own father forced him to cover his nose in black dirt, has also led to a slight alcohol dependence evidenced by a bright red nose in clear weather and a strong smell of Jack Daniels.

Suggested finding a new crowd to hang out with — Blitzen and Vixen are no help—and perhaps seeking employment with Hermey to open a thriving dental practice on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Patient Name: Frosty the Snowman

Session Notes: A bit bipolar, no pun intended. Wavers between overconfidence—“I’ll be back again some day!” with a tendency to hit on married women, “I can do the job while I’m in town!”— and anxiety over the threat of global warming, not to mention the fact that he basically lets children dress him in produce and trash.

Feels people forget about him once it gets warm, which is a valid concern, and tends to overcompensate with streaks of merry mania. Suggested moving to a permanently colder climate and finding a job as an ice cream truck driver. Given his appeal to children, it seems like a natural fit.

Patient Name: Grinch

Session Notes: Physician-ordered session after patient’s heart “grew three sizes” and raised cardiac concerns. Also had a brief charge of theft by police. Seems anxiety has been plaguing patient since whole town has taken to ostracizing him for bad behavior.

Cited a song created about him in which various parts are likened to “a greasy black peel, a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich,” that his heart’s “a dead tomato splotched” and that he has “garlic in his soul.”

To be honest, I tuned him out after “garlic in your soul,” as that sounds delicious. And living on top of a mountain away from the town with only his dog? Seems like a good plan to me. I don’t really see much of an issue.

And now I’m hungry.

I think that my work here is done.

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Making Spirits Bright

I don’t remember when I first “found out” about Santa, but I do know that I kept on pretending long after that day. Part of it was because I didn’t want to stop believing in something so magical and fun, and part of it was because I didn’t want my mom to be bummed.

She was always incredible about keeping the magic alive, wrapping the gifts in different paper, writing in different handwriting, putting reindeer food on the deck, etc. There isn’t a Christmas from my early childhood that I don’t remember being special in some way. Along with traditions and large family gatherings, I also had that youthful innocence that made everything seem merry and bright.

Now, at age 31, I have to admit that I’ve become a bit cynical about the holidays.

Between the loss of traditions and large family gatherings, the rampant and unnecessary consumerism, no holiday break, a dash of deep depression and being forced to listen to “So This Is Christmas” while waiting in the doctor’s office, I would much rather just skip to January 2 when (relative) normalcy can reoccur.

I know, I know. Ba humbug.

But last Saturday night my mom was at it again, this time at the home with the old people. She came armed with two strings of colored lights, two dozen foam ornaments/treat bags I made the night before and a few other decorative things.


More arts and crap.

My grandma, stuck in her bed and out of her mind, delighted in the simple addition of one string of lights to her window, to the new snowman candy dish, to the battery-operated candle, to our off-key duet of “Jingle Bells” complete with (requested and stereotypical Polish white girl) dance moves.

And so was Jerry, the man who lives in the room right next door to my grandma.

His room, stark and empty in contrast to that of my grandma’s, soon was adorned with one string of lights, a battery-operated candle and a foam wreath and gingerbread man (he didn’t request the duet.) The look on his face—usually stoic and hard—was enough to make all spirits bright.

He had us move his wheelchair to the center of the room and turn off the lamp so he could sit there and stare at the lights, and he kept telling us how wonderful it was, how happy that string of lights made him. As we walked out the door and back into the hall, I couldn’t have agreed with him more.

Young or old, the magic’s still there as long as you choose to believe.*

*Off-key duet of “Jingle Bells” complete with stereotypical Polish white girl dance moves not required, but I’m pretty sure it couldn’t hurt.

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You Make Me Less Grinchy

Disclaimer: A long post, but it’s worth it for Round One of donation drop-off!

Let’s get one thing straight—I’m not a Grinch, but I’m already over the holidays.


It’s not because of stress or travel or even the fact that Mariah Carey has been telling me that “all she wants for Christmas is me” for the past month — sorry Mimi, you’re SOL—but because I hate when schedules get all messed up.

While I get a three-day weekend following the holiday, a whole bunch of people get weeks off at a time, meaning that a) it makes it near impossible for me to get any work done with no one else actually working b) I have to hear people talk about how they get weeks off at a time and c) the normal “schedule” of blogging for most is messed up,  as is that of TV shows.

I feel like anything I put up here probably won’t be read, as everyone else is blotto on their couch watching Kathie Lee and Hoda drink mimosas. Plus, everyone’s in “peace on Earth” mode, so anything snarky is dismissed as Grinchy and unseasonal.

In other words, it’s all about me.

But aside from craving attention, hating traffic and the fact I have to wait 30 minutes in line at the store to buy bananas, the reason I look forward to the New Year coming and going basically boils down to Top 10 lists and resolutions.

I do not participate in either.

But the next week will be filled with compilations of the “Top Celebrity Breakups,” “Top Recipes of 2011” and “Top Top 10 Lists of 2011” in addition to countless status updates, tweets and conversations revolving around how someone is going to change their life this year if only because they publically declare that they are.


Spoiler alert: Top 10 lists are simply a springboard for debate because no one really remembers what happened the first three months of the year. Why? Because they were too busy beating themselves up over the fact that their New Year’s resolution only lasted two weeks.

While I agree that a new year is a great time to make new goals, for me, resolutions are things that can and should be made on a daily basis, not in grandiose fashion one time a year. As cheesy as it sounds, my resolution every day is to be a better person and take the next healthy step forward—physically and emotionally—to reach that goal.

Plus, as I’ve mentioned before, I will continue to work towards my ultimate goal of becoming independently wealthy so I can live on an island where I work on my exotic container gardens while tirelessly devoting myself to perfecting the slow motion “Baywatch” jog.


So I guess I just want things to get back to a level of relative normalcy, but in the meantime, I do resolve to enjoy the season for what it’s worth.

The Non-Grinchy Stuff

And one way I am enjoying the season is by distributing Round One of the gifts for the Humane Society of West Michigan with the profits from books sales thus far. When I donate somewhere, I like to know exactly where my money is going. It’s not that I don’t trust people, but I feel more productive if I can see what it’s spent on.

The past few years our donations have included a memorial tribute tree, 50 scratching posts, an elevated Kuranda dog bed for the kennels, an engraved tribute tag, etc. and a big plastic pool filled with a bunch of items from their wish list.

This year I decided to go that route once again so you could see what some of the money was directly spent on—the animals, and nothing but the animals.


Behold Round One of the gifts!

Along with this truck full of goodness, the purchase of my book also helped pay for another Kuranda dog bed for the kennels. If you could see how they love these things, your heart would melt.

So despite this long ramble, I really am speechless at your support and generosity so far. This is in no way the end of my efforts, and I know it’s annoying when I bug you and tell you to tell a friend or help spread the word, but it’s so greatly appreciated.

Although I’m not sure how yet, I will continue to try and find other ways to market this thing and keep it going as long as I can.  But for now—with Round One purchased and delivered—I thank you from the bottom of my little Grinchy heart.

Stink. Stank. Stonk.