Numbers Don’t Lie

Despite the fact that I have the attention span of an ADD gnat on speed, I can (and do) watch, listen and talk about sports—namely baseball and hockey—with alarming interest and insight.

But even I can admit to the ridiculousness at which sports are analyzed. Games that won’t be played for weeks are broken down and predicted based on nothing more than some windbag’s opinion and a bunch of irrelevant statistics:

“No coach that picked his nose with his left pinky on a Wednesday has ever won this.”

“The last time this pitcher ate 67 ranch-flavored sunflower seeds 20 minutes before the game, he went out there and threw a no-hitter.”

“When the sun shines at a 56 degree angle and the manager hasn’t changed his ‘lucky’ socks in a week, the team goes on to win 74 percent of the time.”

For some reason, people put stock into the fact that a certain event went a certain way under certain conditions in the past. It’s not just sports either, as we like to know that “nine out of 10 dentists think toothpaste is awesome” and that “Lysol kills 99 percent of germs.”

But stats can be fun, so I decided to compile a few from my own “research” to share with you today. Keep in mind they’re subject to change and variation 79 percent of the time.

• Jillian Michaels says, “Get some!” 63 times in the Level 3 “Ripped in 30” workout alone.
• If you make a hot beverage or meal, there is an 84 percent chance of someone interrupting you to ask you a completely irrelevant question.
• Despite advances in technology, 92 percent of office printers still can’t cancel a job before printing it and 73 percent of employees can’t transfer a call or use the fax machine.
• A watched pot never boils, but turn your head for five seconds and it will overflow 82 percent of the time.
• Around 59 percent of people only workout so that they can post on a social media site that they worked out.
• If you buy a seedless watermelon, there is a 98 percent chance of choking on a watermelon seed while eating it.
• 68 percent of yoga pants will never actually be worn for yoga.
• The average person spends 4.3 years of their life watching the time tick down on the microwave while waiting for food to heat up.
• 100 percent of people that complain about taking the skins off chickpeas are white women between the ages of 21 and 34.
• If you are waiting for a telephone call and leave for 60 seconds, it will come through 99 percent of the time.
• After eating one kernel of popcorn, there is a 59 percent chance of that kernel being stuck in your teeth for a minimum of two days.
• 92 percent of people only use a synonym because they can’t spell the word that they wanted to use.
• If you go to the store after the gym with no makeup and sweaty clothes, there is an 87 percent chance you will run into at least three people you know.
• If you to the store after getting your hair styled, there is a 102 percent chance you will run into absolutely no one you know.
• People who read this blog have a 100 percent chance of being inducted into the Hall of Awesomeness, which will be constructed upon sufficient sponsorships.
• There is zero percent chance of that happening.

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