Introducing ‘Veginem’

I enjoy vegan food. I enjoy Eminem. It seemed like a natural combination, so I present to you my debut as “Veginem.”

(This will only make sense if you’re familiar with his hit, “Lose Yourself,” so please read it with the same rhythm—minus a middle stanza—and do the gangsta lean, yo.)

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LOSE YOURSELF (in plant-based food)

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity,

to seize every great food you ever wanted—one moment.

Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?

Yo.

My stomach is growling, knees weak, arms are heavy,

I could have a rice bowl or sandwich, maybe spaghetti.

(Sorry for the pictures. I’m not a food blogger.)

Eating plant-based isn’t hard and I am always ready,

to enjoy whatever foods people keep on forgetting.

You say “vegan,” the whole crowd objects so loud,

I open my mouth, and the words come right out,

“It’s just food, people! Made without animals now.

Like grains, veggies and nuts. I can show you how!”

 

Silk Almond Milk, Larabars, BumbleBars, Wild Garden hummus, Once Again Sunflower Seed Butter, Earthly Choice farro

 Snap back to reality, Oh there goes dairy,

Oh there goes eggs, I said,

I love food, and I won’t give that up.

People don’t know, and dismiss veggies in haste,

It don’t matter,  I know how good plant-based can taste.

Use websites and blogs, yo,

Nothing’s stagnant, you know.

When I go to start cooking, that’s when it’s

back to the store again, off to the grocery.

Better go capture those sales and hope it don’t pass me by, yo.

 

Hook [x2]

You better lose yourself in the plant foods, the great taste,

You own it, you better never let it go.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to glow,

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

 

No more games. I’ma change what you call taste,

Eat this motherfreaking salad gone and leave no waste.

I tried kale in the beginning, the mood all changed.

I chewed it up and spit it out and booed that leaf off stage.

But I’ve always loved spinach and every other green,

And grains and nuts and fruits, with other stuff in between.

All that taste inside amplified by the fact,

that I can get by, with my 5-9 servings.

 SunButter and banana sandwich on Ezekiel bread.

And I can consume the right foods that will please,

Cause man, there are meatless burgers with “cheese,”

and pizza tastes great, and legumes rule my plate, this is my life.

People say that’s it’s hard, but you have to reconcile,

If I can do it so can you, while

Never getting caught up between being a vegan and a prima donna

All the preachy drama screaming on and

I just never really wanna

 Amy’s Kitchen, Daiya, Earth Balance, Ezekiel Bread

 Put you on the spot, but days of “Ugh, vegan food?”

Has gotten me to the point, I’m like “Hey dude,

You’ve got to formulate a plot and give plant-based a shot.

Better health is now your option, heart failure’s not.

Say for one meal a day, ‘this meat has got to go,’

Small changes add up to more than you know.”

So here you go it’s your shot,

food fail you not, this is the only body that you got.

 

  Hook [x2]

You better lose yourself in the plant foods, the great taste,

You own it, you better never let it go.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to glow,

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

 

Like the blog? Buy the NEW 5-star rated book!

P.S. I respect everyone’s choices. This post is supposed to be fun. Play nice.

Ask Abby Anything

I have a “real” to put up soon, but today I present a completely self-indulgent “Ask Abby Anything” segment. The “TODAY” Show hasn’t called to interview me yet and considering I’m nosy about other people, I thought you might be nosy about me.

Then I realized how vain that sounded and regretted the idea, but it was too late to take it back so I just moped about it for a few days and then decided to shut up and answer your questions instead.

I couldn’t cover them all in this post, so I’ll do the second part shortly—if you don’t find this horribly boring.

Let’s move on.

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Surprisingly, the first question wasn’t, “Why do you ramble so much before actually getting to the point?” but rather, “When you write, do you ever feel like any topic is ‘off limits?’ Are there things you want to write about, but shy away from because the blow-back might be too severe?”

Yes and no. I don’t shy away from anything, but at the same time I try to make sure that I’m writing about me more than anyone else. I don’t mean that in a self-centered way, but rather that there are a lot of stories out there that aren’t mine to tell. I have issues—sometimes with other people—but I don’t need to vent that all here. Given the fact that anyone can find anything on the Internet, I also make sure I wouldn’t regret my boss or a relative reading it.

I’ve also changed the direction of my blog a bit in the past year and kind of avoid more serious topics now. For every post that is questionably funny, there are probably 10 “serious” ones that get trashed. I figure everyone has their own crap and gets bored reading about mine all the time. I kind of just want to have fun.

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“Have you ever had any funny/awkward interactions from co-workers or other people in your day-to-day life reacting from something they read on your blog?”

Blogging is weird because you never know who has read something. After I published this post, a coworker (with a great sense of humor) made a point to tell me he replaced the paper towel all by himself. There have also been times people have asked me about things I’ve mentioned and I get freaked out until I remember that I blogged about it. It’s nice to know they read, but also weird because I don’t know as much about them.

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“When it comes down to brass tacks, do you think beer in the glass or beer in the bottle is more classy?”

I don’t even like beer, which is not a trait I inherited from my mom. However, when I was a cocktail waitress in college I had a woman who insisted I serve her draft beer in a wine glass because she thought it looked classier. Questionable, at best. Final word? I say bottles save you from washing a glass. The end.

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“Crunchy peanut butter or smooth? And, more seriously, when did you make the decision to be vegan and why”?

Smooth sunflower seed butter, as I can’t tolerate peanut butter. And while I like almonds, I’m not a huge fan of almond butter.

As for the vegan issue, I rarely ever talk about that here in any depth because I’m not preachy and figure to each their own. The short version is that I was a vegetarian for eight years before I went vegan. My decision was a combination of my own health (another topic in and of itself) and ethics. Once I learned that animal agriculture is responsible for the death of over 56 billion animals worldwide each year–not even counting fish—and that even animals raised under the most “humane” circumstances suffer tremendously, it wasn’t hard to transition.

Given my  history with OCD, exercise and food, veganism also gives me a sense that the food I’m eating has a nutritional and ethical purpose. This helps ease the guilt that has dominated my eating for years and I never feel deprived, only rewarded. A majority of the blogs that I read are vegan/veggie-centered, so if you want recommendations, let me know!

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“Why is it you always get the chance to see squirrels dancing? What am I doing wrong?”

I get them drunk on fermented fruit. Also, they signed a contract that barters seeds for a minimum of two hours of entertainment a week.

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Stay tuned for part two in which I address hummus, couches and love—and any other questions you want to leave in the comments below. Otherwise, my turn.

“Who is the one person you would like to interview and why?”

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book here. Why? It has stories about drunk nuns, Vanilla Ice and adventures at the ATM. It’s obviously destined to be an American classic.